Please Procrastinate

Today marked another milestone in my eldest daughter's life journey.  A small one for her, as she will continue on with challenges and stresses that will involve me less and less.  But today she completed one of the last major assignments that she has in her high school career.  There is one more term, but as they are now trying to complete the syllabus in all her subjects, she will likely only have regular homework assignments, then the practice exams and the all-encompassing final exams in May. 

So tonight's essay, finally completed and sent off at the midnight deadline, was much procrastinated and struggled with, and marks the end of a chapter in her life and mine.  I don't think she even realizes this.  Generally she gets on with her work without me, and only if I am lucky do I get to read an assignment, usually after it has been graded.  But this time, due to time constraints,  I was asked to help her brainstorm the topic she should write on, and helped to do a websearch for sources.  I even got to do an early proofread.  And..."Wow."  When did she get so smart?  And funny?  And where did she get those insights?  I thought I was good at Math, and while I could pretty readily follow the proof she wrote,  I could never have come up with it as she did.  OK,  maybe I am selling myself short,  as in college I was a Math whiz and I did some pretty complex stuff, but I was at least 4-5 years older and a junior in college at the time.  So now I can say she is working at a level about 5 years ahead of  what was close to my peak in education. 

Don't tell her, but she has already surpassed me.  And she still has a ways to go before she reaches her peak potential.  I am proud.  And sad.  She is growing up and slipping away so fast.  And very probably this was the last time I will get to help her with homework. 

I fuss at her about procrastinating, but a small voice inside me wants to plead with her to just put off for a little while longer the realization that she doesn't need me anymore...

Get Over It!!

As your kids grow up, it is sometimes hard to remember those "moments" that are indicators of significant change.  This week my kids are preparing to go off for two weeks to another ESA Space Camp.  It is a space-themed camp for the kids of ESA employees, held in a different member country every year.  It includes not only daily lessons but also sports and culture activities.  I am always amazed at how my girls come back each year more mature, more world-wise, and full of amazing stories about their experiences.  I soooooo want to go to Space Camp too!!

Today a post from one of my dear friends about her 8-year-old daughter's first sleepover brought back the memory of DD1 wanting to go to her first Space Camp.  The camp is open to ESA kids between ages 8-17.  So the first year she was eligible, DH brought home the description and we discussed it.  DD1 heard and was asking about it.  While it sounded really great,  I was concerned as this one was being held on the west coast of France and involved a change of planes at the Paris airport, and was really quite far away if anything went wrong.  And while DD1 had been on a number of sleepovers,  she had never been apart from one of us for more than a week and I was not really sure she was ready.  Or to be honest,  I was not quite ready for this level of independence.  DH was not really sure how he felt about it, but as he travels a lot and is away from us for longer periods of time,  his separation anxiety was not at the same level as mine.  We discussed it and decided that we would wait for a year and let her go for the first time the following summer.

When we broke the news to DD1,  I explained to her that because it was so far away, there would be no chance for her to come home if she got homesick or didn't want to stay, so we didn't want to take that risk this time.  DD1 was a bit outraged, insisting that she would not want to come back, even if she was homesick, and that she really wanted to go.  I tried a different tactic, explaining that the food would be very different and that she would not speak the language there in France and that there would be a lot of very different things that would be unfamiliar to her, that she would be in a strange environment and that she might get a bit timid or scared.  She countered with the argument that if there was something that she didn't know about that she would just ask someone, and that even if there was nothing else to eat, that she could eat "French fries"!!  (How does a parent argue with that, now I ask you?)  Even explaining to her that she did not know any of the other kids and would not have any friends there, was met with her insistence that she would make new friends.

I very quickly ran out of arguments when faced with my very determined offspring who was sure this was something she did not want to miss out on.  Finally, when she felt she had convinced me that there was no real reason to keep her from attending, I had to tell her the real underlying reason that I did not want her to go.  "Sweetie," I said, "I know you think you will be fine there, and that you will not really miss us too much.  And I know you are already so grown-up that you could probably handle this strange new experience.  And I know that you think that you are ready to go away and leave us for two weeks,  but really and truly, I don't think that I am ready for you to be so far away from me.  I won't be able to talk to you every day, maybe only once in the two weeks you are gone.  I won't be able to tell you goodnight, and to hear about all your adventures, or to be able to explain things to you and make sure you are OK.  So I don't think you should go, not because you are not ready to go, but because I am not ready to let you go."   I gave her a big hug, trying to fight back my tears, and she patted me on the back and I let out a sigh, thinking the discussion had ended.

Then she stepped back from me.  Put her hands on her hips, looked over at her Dad, then back at me and said, "Mom, GET OVER IT!"

Of course my jaw dropped, and out of the corner of my eye I caught DH struggling to keep a straight face. She was so much like me, using the same phrase I so often used with whiny kids when I wanted to end an argument.  Very clearly we had reached one of those defining moments where I felt an "apron string" snap in separation as my child took another step on her path away from me and into her own future.  Of course she attended, and yes she did have a couple of evenings of real homesickness.  But I am sure it was worse for me as I poured over the photo updates that came daily from the camp counselors. It was so easy to identify DD1 in the crowd of kids as she was the smallest, the camp T-shirt hanging down to her knees, despite being the smallest size.  And the phone call halfway thru she sounded so very young, her voice catching to let me know that she was a bit sad, but also determined to overcome her homesickness.  And it truly was a fantastic time, one that she still remembers and talks about.

I still get choked up at recalling the emotions that were so raw, the feeling that my heart was being torn open as I let her walk away from me at the airport.  But also the pride that helped to fill up those wounds as I saw my big girl exerting her independence and demonstrating the skills we have taught her to help her survive in the world.  My maternal grandmother always used to say that raising kids was just a long series of "letting go's".  How right she was!

So I tell my friend that she should not worry, it really will be OK, and that she just needs to take a deep breath and heed my child's advice, knowing full well that it is something I still have to say to myself as I watch my girls going off into the wide world. 

DD2 still in Texas + DD1 at debate tournament + DH visiting inlaws =

naptime!

Because I can never resist Jenn's invite to play...

Missing...No Action

Yes, I am still here. Thanks for asking. Hugs and lovely thoughts to all those who have sent messages and prayers my way. I just stalled out and crashed for a bit.

There came a point in the crises where I have had to do everything I could not to lose it. The energy to rant and curse and fight just ran out, the tears dried up, and numbness and shell-shock set in. I've been going through the motions and doing the daily tasks and yet felt there was no real "life" to any of it, although unfortunately, this is my reality.

My friend Jenn's post kind of brought home to me why I have had such trouble talking about this. While in my daily life I can put on a mask and make the small talk and attempt to follow normal social conventions, in this blogsphere I use the anonymity to allow for honest, unvarnished openness. And for a while now the pain of the various struggles has been such that I could hardly bear to look at it myself, much less share it with others.

I am ok. We are ok. But finding the new "normal" is taking some time. I will be sporadic in the posts for a bit. I have lots I want to say and share and happier times to cheer myself and others on with. But the energy levels are still pretty low.

But summer is coming. It seems to take forever in this part of the world. But it is, like healing and acceptance, inevitable.

Warmest heartfelt wishes to you all. Thanks for not forgetting about me!

In Search of my Inner Elf...

I am really not ready for Christmas this year. Oh the presents have been bought and mostly wrapped. The tree is decorated and we have a few lights up in the kitchen and decorations placed around. I have put Christmas cards through the mailbox, and survived the various holiday events at the kids' schools. Christmas music has been on the stereo since Thanksgiving. But still I am feeling like the Grinch.

I look at my list and realise that yet again the Christmas newsletter to friends and family has not been written to go into the cards. And though I got away with the joke of "Merry Christmas, er...oops!" in the Easter greetings once, really it is not even funny anymore. And when so much of the news is bad you don't even feel like talking about it for fear that it will be such a depressing missive that no one wants to read this time of year. So how do I explain all this in the short note included in the Christmas greetings? (sigh) Go to the next item on the list.

Christmas baking has never been my forte. Okay, baking and cooking are not skills I brag about. I am great at chemistry, which generally prevents any major disasters in the kitchen. But it is not something I do for fun. However, my children love it and I have made the preparations, but still the spirit has not moved me. Besides, I insist that the house be thoroughly cleaned prior to taking on a task which itself will require a major clean-up. So that's what I have been working on all day. Now I am to tired to take on such a major task so maybe it will be something for tomorrow. Back to the list.

Christmas crafts. This was started at the beginning of December, and some cards and decorations were made. But it hardly puts a dent in supplied I have collected and really the kids got on with it by themselves without me having to do more than referee and nag about clearing up. However, since then they have hardly touched the stuff and now I am making the "Tired Mommy" decision and relegating all the supplied back to the storage from whence they came. Finally, something I can check off the list! But of course not without some twinge from a guilty conscience.

Delivering presents round to friends. Now this is something I can get into a bit. Unfortunately as I must drive, I don't get to partake of the wine/eggnog/gluhwein etc. But I can share in the fellowship and I find this does start to thaw the winter chill that seems to have taken over my mood. For some reason this year everyone seems to be tired and run-down. We all joke and moan and commiserate. And I get fussed at for breaking the promises we made not to do any gifts. But I had to do one basket for a friend and it was just easy to go ahead and do 5. And yes, I got a bit carried away and seemed to find the perfect little something that made each gift personalized. But it was the only fun I had in terms of buying for Christmas so all the recipients laugh and grudgingly accept that this was "therapy" of the retail nature and all is forgiven.

There it is. The spirit of giving. That's what has begun to revive the memories of merriment. The thaw in my heart has begun and I am starting to relax. Now may be the time to get out the DVD of "A Christmas Carol" and gather the family round. I might even get a few cards written while settled on the couch in front of the TV.

It won't be a big family holiday, but a small one with hubby and the kids. And in the evening of the 25th we will get together with friends and their kids and the accompanying chaos. On the 26th we will travel to Germany for a visit with in-laws, returning in time to celebrate the New Year with other friends and of course fireworks. The weather has thus far co-operated with some lovely cold days and spectacular frosting of trees and plants, although very little snow has covered the ground and the roads have not been too bad for driving.

I shouldn't complain but I do. It has been a hard year. And the coming one promises to start with further difficulties. Still I have good friends and good blog-friends and that is really what Christmas is all about.

Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you too can find your "Inner Elf" and enjoy the holiday as it is really meant to be celebrated, in the love and warmth of good company, friendship and affection. And here's hoping that the New Year brings joys to temper the sorrows, warmth to ease the coldness that seeps in from the dark corners of the world and hope that somehow in some small way we can all help to make things better.

Peace

Trouble Comes in Threes...(Update)

I know, I seem to have disappeared from the blogsphere. I have hardly been near my computer lately except to e-mail the school about DD1's absence. You see, the third "crisis" finally showed up. What started out as a cold and developed over a week or so into the "crud" has finally manifested as full-blown pneumonia. And as this is my first experience with an almost-teen being ill, I am afraid I have not handled it very well. She vacillates from not wanting to be talked to or touched to crawling into my bed or lap and needing to be held and rocked just as she did when she was 3 years old and sick. And of course we have the battles about trying to get her to eat/drink/take medicine/measure fever/dress warmly/take a bath/cough hard/ blow her nose/go to the doctor/etc. (sigh)!

So finally when she felt bad enough to let me take her to the doctor it was of course in the evening and we had to get to the night-clinic. I felt so guilty when describing her symptoms to the doctor because she obviously thought I had waited too long to come. How do you tell someone who has obviously never had kids, much less a prickly pre-teen, that in between bouts of fever and really feeling sick, she was complaining about being bored, working her way through all the computer games and DVDs, asking if she could ride her bike outside, talking on the phone to friends about being at school the next day, and so on? And even when her fever was so high that she was shivering under the covers and I had to hold her for almost an hour, she was absolutely insistent that she did not need a doctor. Unfortunately DH was traveling, so there was no way I could man-handle her into the car by myself if she did not want to come voluntarily. So I sat sheepishly in front of the doctor who informed me that a virus or flu usually starts out with a fever that goes away after 3 days or so, but as she had already had a cold for more than a week before she got the fever, this was obviously an infection and that it was very important that she take all her medicine, drink fluids, rest, stay warm, and try to cough to clear her lungs. As if I had not been trying to do these things for the past week. Nonetheless, my own feelings of inadequacy have now been supported by a medical authority. I am officially now a "Bad Mommy". Maybe I need to design a button for my blog...

I have to laugh or I would just collapse in tears. The other news is also not so good.

My FIL has now had the second surgery in this round of his bladder cancer and the news is not good. They are recommending that he have his bladder removed. This is a hard operation on anyone at any age, but for man of 81 it comes with ominous overtones. It is especially disheartening for him as shortly after he was diagnosed over 2 years ago, his own Brother-in-Law, who is younger than him, got the same diagnosis. But his BIL's course of treatment involved the immediate removal of his bladder. He went downhill from that point on and died 6 months ago. So for my FIL, in his mind removing his bladder is basically a death sentence. But his doctors are telling him that not doing so is just as bad. So my DH is under a lot of stress trying to cope with our homefront issues and support his parents as well.

And the progress in diagnosing DD1 is going so slow, as is the case wherever there is socialized medicine. We have now completed the psychological evaluation, which only confirmed what I already knew about her. First of all, the mental evaluation shows she is "gifted" and very intelligent, almost off the scales for the tests they were using for her. However, emotionally she is behind girls her age. But that is not an unusual combination. All the other evaluations show she is not ADD or ADHD, though she has some concentration problems. And while she has often expressed she "wants to be a boy", she has no body issues which would indicated some sort of trans-gender issues. If there are other sexual issues that contribute to her stress level, it is still to soon to tell. Because of the pattern of behaviour, hormones definitely have some contribution. But clearly there is a chemical imbalance and as the stress builds up she gets more hostile and irritated until we have a meltdown complete with the kind of temper tantrum she used to have as a 2-year old. The trouble is it comes with the ugly back-talk and threats of a teenager as well as the physical strength and violent temper. At times I think instead of a psychiatrist we need an exorcist.

But we have now the preliminary diagnosis of Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder showing a number of symptoms including the self-harming behaviour of pulling out her hair. She now has pulled out almost one-third and my biggest fear is that this will progress to an even more severe pattern. So we now have our first appointment with a child psychiatrist on 17.January. I am hoping that the holidays don't bring any more stress. I am not sure if I can handle it.

But at least I know what number 3 was and am not so worried about any more bad surprises. I know it is a silly superstition, but for me it does seem to have a pattern and somehow I am comforted by this. And I call myself a scientist...

Who is Coming to Your House? (Part VII)

Hij komt, hij komt, de lieve goede Sint...

This is the last in my series about the tradition surrounding SinterKlaas here in the Netherlands. For more information, please look for my posts under the same title over the past month: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V and Part VI.

Tomorrow is the big day here, and preparations are well underway in most places. At school they have already had visits by the Piets, many of whom left a big mess behind. One of the things that some classes get to do, if their school has access to an oven, is to make their own "kruidenoten". Kruidnoten are a sweeter, harder version of the pepernoten and I actually find them tastier. Kruidnoten are crispier like Spekulaas or ginger snaps, whereas pepernoten are more like gingerbread. Pepernoten have a more bread-like texture and are more complicated to make. This is an easy, fun recipe for Kruidnoten and I have used it when I helped out many classes through the years. So if you are curious, or just want a fun activity for the kids, I have translated it to ingredients more familiar to the US:

Kruidnoten
50 grams (1 3/4 oz) butter
100 grams (1/2 cup) brown sugar
100 grams (1/2 cup) white sugar
1 Tablespoon milk
250 grams (1 cup) self-rising flour
Spices:
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon ground cinamon
1 teaspoon ground aniseed
1 teaspoon ground ginger
Mix all these spices together until well blended before adding to the rest of the mix.
NOTE: If you have access to commercially mixed "Speculaas kruiden" (spices) then you could use 2 3/4 teaspoons of that instead of the individual spices listed. Allspice can be substituded for ground cloves/aniseed/ginger.

1. Cream the butter and sugar together, then add the spice mix (or spices).
2. Add the flour and milk, mix together until well blended. Sometimes, this means you need to get in there with your hands!!
3. Make very very small marble sized balls of dough and place them on a flat baking sheet with enough room to allow them to spread out and rise a little.
4. Bake for 10-15 minutes at 160 C (320 F) until golden.
5. Let cool until they harden. Eat and enjoy!!

Now I admit to having a weakness for kruidnoten. And especially as they are on sale very cheap after 5.December, I have a tendency to go overboard. Thus I often find myself around Christmas with more than I can eat and the days of throwing at children have already passed. Thus it was great fortune for me to find this recipe that goes well for SinterKlaas, but is also perfect for Christmas get-togethers.

Sint-Tiramisu
I usually double this recipe as it goes very quickly! But you may want to try it first and some portions may need adjusting depending on the ingredients.
250 g (8-10 ounces) kruidnootjes (Instead you can use ginger snaps, German spekulatius, Swedish "pepper-cookies" or similarly spiced hard cookies spiced with cinammon, ginger, nutmeg or allspice.)
100ml (1/2 cup) strong espresso coffee -cooled
3 egg yolks
100g (1/2 cup) sugar
1 packet vanilla sugar (1 tsp vanilla extract)
250 g ( 8oz) ) mascarpone cheese (This may be difficult to find in some areas and may also be rather expensive so one of the following substitutions can be made: 1. 8 oz of softened cream cheese combined with 1/4 cup whipping cream, whipped until smooth or 2. ricotta or cottage cheese combined with 3 tablespoons sour cream, and 2 tablespoons sweet cream, whipped until smooth.)

Beat together yolks, vanilla and sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer at medium speed until thick and pale, about 2 minutes. Beat in mascarpone until just combined. Lightly butter a large flat-bottomed glass serving or baking dish and line the bottom with about half of the kruidnoten. Pour half of the espresso coffee and let it soak into the cookies. Add about half of the mixture, spread evenly over the cookies. Distribute the remaining kruidnoten over the mix and pour the remaining coffee over the cookies. Add the rest of the mix, spreading evenly until all the cookies are covered. Cover the dish with cling-film and let it sit in the refrigerator for 3-4 hours. Before serving, I like to sprinkle cocoa powder over the top.

Now while I love-love-love the original Italian tiramisu, I find this as an acceptable substitute during the holiday season!!

Who is Coming to Your House? (Part VI)

The songs that are sung to welcome SinterKlaas and Zwarte Piet into our celebrations are a big part of the Dutch tradition. On Jenn's blog you can see a video of one of the songs. There are sometimes different versions of the old standards with some rap versions making the rounds the last couple of years. Whenever you see Sint or if he is coming, or maybe you'll see one of his Piet-bands making the rounds, it doesn't matter, you will always hear singing! And the tunes are kind of catchy so they are not hard to learn! But of course if you don't speak Dutch, then these don't mean a lot. Therefore I give you some of the translations I have found of some of the most popular songs. But please note, these are not literal translations, but rhyming songs that have a similar meaning to the Dutch songs. This makes it easy for the ex-pats to take part in the celebration with their own English versions (Sint of course understands English, unlike many of the Piets).

Click on the titles of the songs to hear a recording of the music only and try to sing along yourself! And with this I make my first entry into:

Wanna hear more tunes? Check out Soccer Mom in Denial. In fact, have a good look around 'cuz Allison's always coming up with cool stuff like this!

Enjoy!! Only 3 more days until SinterKlaas!

Source: "Saint Nicholas in Holland", Het Parool, Theo Ramaker
Sinterklaas Kapoentje Sinterklaas Kapoentje Gooi wat in mijn schoentje, gooi wat in mijn laarsje dank u, Sinterklaasje.	Nicholas I beg of You Nicholas I beg of you Drop into my little shoe Something sweet or sweeter, Thank you, Saint and Peter.
Sinterklaasje kom maar binnen Sinterklaasje kom maar binnen met je knecht. want we zitten allemaal even recht. Misschien heeft u wel even tijd, voordat u weer naar Spanje rijdt. Sinterklaasje kom maar even bij ons aan en laat uw paardje maar buiten staan. En we zingen en we springen en we zijn zo blij, want er zijn geen stoute kinderen bij. En we zingen en we springen en we zijn zo blij, want er zijn geen stoute kinderen bij.	Good Saint Nich'las Good Saint Nich'las is in Holland once again With his horse and Peter from sunny Spain. And even if he can't stay long, We hope he'll stop to hear our song Dear Saint Nicholas the door is open wide, For you and Pete to step inside. And we're singing, voices ringing, and our hearts rejoice. 'Cause the Saint loves all good girls and boys. And we're singing, voices ringing, and our hearts rejoice. 'Cause the Saint loves all good girls and boys.
O, kom er eens kijken... Meisjes: O, kom er eens kijken, wat ik in mijn schoentje vind. Alles gekregen van die beste Sint. Een pop met vlechtjes in het haar, een snoezig jurkje kant en klaar, drie kaatseballen in een net en een letter van banket. O, kom er eens kijken, wat ik in mijn schoentje vind. Alles gekregen van die beste Sint. Jongens: O, kom er eens kijken, wat ik in mijn schoentje vind. Alles gekregen van die beste Sint. Een bromtol met een zweep erbij, een doos met blokken ook voor mij, en schaatsen en een nieuwe pet en een letter van banket. O, kom er eens kijken, wat ik in mijn schoentje vind. Alles gekregen van die beste Sint.	O, come have a look at... Girls: O, come have a look, at what I'm finding in my boot Dropped through the chimney, Yet no speck of soot! A doll with pigtails in her hair, Her dress as white as Saint's own mare, A sugar bunny sweet and quaint. We thank you, dear old Saint. Boys: O, come have a look, at what I'm finding in my boot Dropped through the chimney, Yet no speck of soot! A jumping jack with woolly head, My name in letters of gingerbread, A book with pictures and some paint. We thank you, dear old Saint
Zie de maan schijnt... Zie de maan schijnt door de bomen, makkers staakt uw wild geraas. 't Heerlijk avondje is gekomen, 't avondje van Sinterklaas. Vol verwachting klopt ons hart, wie de koek krijgt, wie de gard Vol verwachting klopt ons hart, wie de koek krijgt, wie de gard	Bright December moon... Bright December moon is beaming, Boys and girls now stop your play! For tonight's the wondrous evening, Eve of good Saint Nicholas Day. O'er the roofs his horse unshod Brings us gifts or else the rod. O'er the roofs his horse unshod, Brings us gifts or else the rod.
Zie ginds komt de stoomboot Zie ginds komt de stoomboot uit Spanje weer aan. Hij brengt ons Sint-Nicolaas ik zie hem al staan. Hoe huppelt zijn paardje op het dek op en neer, hoe waaien de wimpels al heen en al weer. Zijn knecht staat te lachen en roept ons reeds toe: "Wie zoet is krijgt lekkers, wie stout is de roe!" Och lieve Sint Niklaas, kom ook eens bij mij, en rijd toch ons huisje niet stil voorbij.	Look here comes the steamer Look, there is the steamer from far a-way lands. It brings us St. Nich'las, he's waving his hands. His horse is aprancing on deck, up and down, The banners are waving in village and town. Black Peter is laughing and tells ev'ry one, 'The good kids get candy, the bad ones get none!' Oh, please dear St. Nich'las, if Pete and you would just visit our house for we all have been good.

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I hope you are enjoying this series and learning a bit about Dutch culture. Tomorrow is the last one and I will be sharing my favorite recipe for using leftover "pepernoten" (but don't worry, it also works with ginger snaps, and "Spekulasius". Or if all else fails, I include a simple recipe to make your own Pepernoten!

Who is Coming to Your House? (Part V)

This post probably doesn't really qualify as being a true "Soap Opera", but as I truly hate to miss the fun at "Soap Opera Sunday", I beg the indulgence of our fearless and brilliant leader 'Twas Brillig and her partner in crime fun Walking Kateastrophe.


For real soapy stories, be sure and read the posts of the other players in our on-going Sunday series by visiting this week's hostess Kimberly of Temporary? Insanity and seeing who else has joined the fun!

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This is one of the last in a series of posts I have been writing about the December traditions found in the Netherlands as they compare to Christmas in the US as well as UK and Germany. Look here for Part I, Part II, Part III, and Part IV.

With my multi-cultural family I have an "unusual" perspective which has come with its own challenges! My daughters started out in a Dutch daycare and later began in a Dutch public school. But of course we visit DH's family in Germany regularly and occasionally also make the trek back to the US, even managing a couple of Christmas visits. And of course our social circle includes not only Dutch, but many UK, Italian and other ex-pats from different countries.

So how do you explain to curious and intelligent children the differences in all the traditions and still keep the magic and wonderment of Christmas and the local traditions alive? How do you as a family teach some of your native culture to children when their friends are raised with a totally different tradition? The choices are sometimes hard and even heart-breaking. As a parent you don't want your children to be left out of the fun and you don't want to spoil things for them or their friends by debunking the whole drama. And surely SinterKlaas/Santa would not leave someone out just because they are from a different country/culture? But how do you explain that Sint comes on 5.December in the Netherlands, St. Nikolaus on 6.December in Germany, and Father Christmas and Santa Claus on 25.December in the UK and US? And what about their French and Italian friends, who comes to see them? Or is there a different one in every country? So why can't we celebrate 3 times with 3 times as many presents? Or if it's the same person, then why does he talk and dress so differently? And where is Zwarte Piet in the US?

In the Netherlands and in Germany, where exposure to US and UK culture has brought the man in the bright red suit with white fur trim to these countries, they refer to the visitor on 25.December as the "Christmas man" (Kerstman in Dutch, Weinachtsmann in German). He is not generally referred to as St. Nicholas or Santa Claus as these names are so obviously similar to Sankt Nikolaus and SinterKlaas. In the Netherlands they have gone so far as to pretend that Sint and Santa are competing against one another in some television commercials. In some families the story is that they are brothers, with Santa working in different countries and at times coming to visit Sint. This also explains why they look so much alike!

But neither of these explanations would completely satisfy my tri-lingual offspring who are tuned into the differences in the cultures. So in order to keep the myth and magic alive as long as possible in all the cultures they were exposed to, I thought up the following story, adding details as more questions came up through the years. It proved to be very effective as DD1 embellished some of the explanations as she tried to show off her knowledge of the whole affair to her less-informed younger sister! Any ex-pat families facing a similar dilemma are more than welcome to adopt this story into their family traditions.

Here is the story I have told my daughters through the years:

"You see SinterKlaas started coming over to the Netherlands from Spain a long, long time ago when he heard how good the Dutch children were from the sailors who visited his land. He brought along oranges and his faithful servant Zwarte Piet (Black Peter) and his wonderful white horse Amerigo. SinterKlaas saw that the Dutch children were so much fun, that he stayed to celebrate his birthday with them on 6.December. But instead of wanting presents, because he was such a generous and kind man, Sint wanted to give presents to the children. And thus the tradition was started of bringing presents to the Dutch children, riding around on his horse with Piet, and letting Piet climb down the chimney to put the presents beside the hearth. The soot from the chimneys made Piet even darker than he was, which is why he is now so black.

However, Sint learned quickly that not all the children in the Netherlands are nice, and some of them are quite naughty and don't deserve presents. For these children, Sint leaves a reminder that if they don't behave they will not get any presents. But how does he know which children are naughty and which ones are nice? Well, he comes with Piet to the Netherlands a couple of weeks early and starts to update his list. And Piet goes around peeking into windows and listening down chimneys to see if the children are behaving or if they are being rude to their parents or fighting with their brothers and sisters.

And the children through the years started leaving notes for Sint outside the door where they left their wooden shoes at night. They would ask for something special and thank Sint for their presents from the previous year. And sometimes they would leave him drawings and pictures because they know Sint really like such things and took them back to Spain with him to decorate his home there. And as thank you for the drawings Sint started leaving oranges and sweets for the children in their shoes.

However that was long ago, and since then there are a lot more children in the Netherlands, Sint started having to come the night before on 5.December so that by 6th December all the children in the Netherlands would have presents. And because he is magical, Sint made his horse and Zwarte Piet magical too, so that they are able to get into the smallest chimneys and fly up to the tallest roofs. But of course that is a lot of work, so the children started leaving carrots and hay for Amerigo, and sometimes even cookies or a cup of chocolate for Sint and Piet. And after a while it got to be too much for just one Piet, so Sint started to get more and more Piets to help out so that now each Piet has one special job and sometimes more than one Piet are tasked to do the same thing, like go around the markets and schools and see how the children are behaving. At some schools, the children even leave breakfast for the Piets who look into the teacher's records to see what they are saying about how the kids behave at school.

Now the children in some of the other countries also heard about Sint, and asked him to come to their country. So Sint and Piet also started visiting in Belgium. But the Piets did not know how to speak German and got lost on their first visit to Germany and had to ask a poor old farmer for help. This man, Ruprecht, was dressed in rags and a dark cloak and was a bit scary looking, but he was a good and honest man, and he helped Sint out in Germany. So ever since, Sint leaves the Piets to go back to Spain when he is through in the Netherlands, and on 6th December he comes to Germany and goes around with Knecht Ruprecht as his helper there. Knecht Ruprecht looks out in December for Sint to see which children have been naughty and nice in Germany. So the children in Germany should be aware when they see someone on the street in December who looks kind of raggedy and scary, as it might be Knecht Ruprecht who is taking notes! In Germany, they are a little more formal and maybe they don't know him so well, so they call him Sankt Nickolaus instead of his nickname Klaas.

After he finishes in Germany, Sint goes to some other countries in Europe bringing toys there. In each country he has a different helper because he needs someone who knows his way around and who speaks the language to help him out. And other countries also have different names for him and of course Sint speaks the language of each country he visits because he is a very clever man.

After Amerigo has jumped up to all the steep roofs in the Netherlands, he is pretty tired, so Sint lets him return to Spain with the Piets. But Sint uses a sleigh in Germany, which is especially useful in the places where there is lots of snow this time of year. In some other countries he gets around other ways, using a Vespa motorbike in the narrow streets of Rome and other cities in Italy and a donkey in the steep, winding village roads out in the countryside. And sometimes Sint has to change clothes because of the weather and because he wants to be recognized by the people there.

Of course the children in the UK and US also heard about Sint and wanted to celebrate as well. But by then Sint was so busy that even with all his magic he could not be everywhere at once for his birthday. So instead he decided to treat the children when they celebrate the birthday of Jesus on 25.December. So after he finishes his rounds in Europe, you start seeing him in the US and UK where he is making his lists of the naughty and nice children there. Because these are very big countries, Sint enlisted the help of some magical elves who have a workshop at the North Pole. There they make the toys that Sint then brings to the children. Only in the US they call him Santa which is "Sint" in English. And in the UK, they call him "Father Christmas", not because he was Jesus' father, but because he helped to make the Christmas holiday so special as it is today.

Because there are so many children in the US and UK, Santa or Father Christmas needs a magical sleigh to help him get around. And this is pulled by the flying reindeer that we have heard about. And even though there is a time difference between various parts of the US, Santa has to work very hard in order to get all the toys delivered by the morning of 25.December. So he wears more of a working uniform instead of the fancy clothes he usually wears in the Netherlands and Germany. And in some places like Florida and Arizona where it is so warm, he might even wear shorts and sandals!

So even though sometimes in the Netherlands they don't recognize Santa is Sint because he is dressed so different and they might hear him speaking English, we know he is the same person. And he of course knows you and that is why wherever you are, he will bring you presents. So if we are in Germany on 6th December, then Sankt Nikolaus will visit. And if we go to America for Christmas, then Santa will leave you a present there. Now it might night be very big, because he has already left you something on 5.December at your home in the Netherlands. But even if you have already gotten a present, you will still get something so that you know that Sint looks out for you wherever you are."

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Only 3 more days until Sint comes!!

Look for two more entries to come under this same title, including my first "Music Monday"!

To A Stressed Mom, she's Worth Her Weight in Gold:

Babysitter!

Don 'cha wanna come play with us? Just say "Hi!" to Jenn!!

Who is Coming to Your House? (Part IV)

While SinterKlass celebrations at Dutch schools, as well as at the sporting and activity clubs the kids may be part of, are rowdy, rambunctious, active affairs, on 5 December, "Pakjesavond", the celebration at home in most Dutch families is more of a family gathering, similar to what we celebrate with Thanksgiving and Christmas in the US. Often times there is a fancy meal, everyone is dressed up, and it is one of the few times that a whole family, including aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc., get together. Businesses usually let out a couple of hours early, shops are closed, and schools get out at lunch time (usually after a morning-long celebration with Sint and Piet). And while Sint may bring presents for the younger kids, the adults and older children are not by any means left out.

A big part of the SinterKlaas tradition involves poems. These accompany the presents and are usually slightly teasing in nature. The presentation of the gift is also important. After Sint or Piet knocks on the door to leave the sack of presents, it is taken inside and opened, usually by the host or hostess. Then presents are handed round and everyone admires the wrapped gift and often makes an attempt to guess what is in it. Then in a specified order, either older to youngest or vice versa, everyone reads the poem that he has received aloud before opening the present. For the younger children these are simple and are usually admonishments to do better at school or not fight with their siblings or pick up their rooms better. It is amazing how SinterKlaas just seems to know about their naughty behaviour! But of course he also knows about their heart's desire and sometimes includes special presents that may not have even been on their wishlists! The adults and older children also get gifts. Sometimes these are exchanged with one another, sometimes they also come from Sint. But in any case there will be a poem, and it is likely to have some hidden or even obvious meaning, often related to the present itself.

As much work goes into the writing of these poems and the jokes and comments that accompany the presents than goes into the presents themselves. In fact, often the presents are not really very big or expensive. But the appreciation of it goes into the effort that was put into its presentation. This is the true nature of the holiday. And at school the children are trained early in this understanding. From 3rd grade on in most dutch schools, the children draw names of someone in their class and are charged with getting a "surprise" present, to cost not more than around $5.00. But they are asked to keep the identity of the person they are making the present for a secret. And more important, they are asked to wrap the present up in a special way. Sometimes it is wrapped to represent the recipient's favorite hobby, for instance a microphone for someone who likes to sing, sometimes it looks like a toy (this year we saw a hockey stick and several Lego bricks), or maybe it looks like something to do with the holiday (a candy or a shoe).

DD2 made her Surprise this year into a replica of Sint's steamboot, complete with a funnel with cotton wool steam coming out and little flags. I should have taken a picture, but forgot. The teacher promised to do it next week before they open the presents, and I'll try and include it then. DD1 is still in the process of wrapping her Surprise present. She is giving a book on secret codes, and is putting it in a "safe" complete with a combination lock. But that is not all. Older children (5th grade and above) are required to make up poems to go with their presents. DD1's includes a riddle with the answer giving the combination to the safe. Other poems may be in the form of limericks. And in Dutch language classes, the poems themselves are required to be in Dutch! This sounds like a lot of work. And it is!! Therefore many large department stores have in-house poetry writers to help their customers come up with suitable rhymes to go with the presents they have purchased in-store. And there are books and guides and even computer programs to help with generating the poems. And of course websites!! Don't believe me? See for yourself: here, or here, or here, or here, or...

The point I want to make is that this holiday is not just fun, but it something very special and treasured by the Dutch and others in neighboring countries that share in this celebration. The SinterKlass holiday represents the best qualities of caring for one another and spending not just money but time and thought in selecting a gift. The real difference in this holiday from many other celebrations, at least one that many families try and uphold, is that it is not about the materialism that seems to be taking over our societies these days. But it is about the thought and energy we put into it ourselves. I have been complimented in comments on my blog about my efforts in making this holiday special for my kids. Really it is very little as compared to what other Dutch moms do. My rhymes are clumsy and our celebrations have not been very fancy as we continue to make Christmas our big holiday. Nonetheless, I felt and still feel it is important that my kids understand the culture they are growing up in, and so I have tried to capture some of the spirit of this holiday.

When I hear DD1 wistfully longing for another visit from Sint, joined by DD2 who then goes on to say "Remember when..." I know that I have had some success in this endeavor!

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Please join me for my next blog on our "Soap Opera Sunday" when I tell the story I have told my children for years about how Sint and Santa are the same person!! How can this be you ask? Stay tuned...

5 more Days to SinterKlaas!!

Who is Coming to Your House? (Part III)

This post is part of a series I am writing to help my readers understand the difference between what is normally celebrated in the US during December vs the traditions one finds in the Netherlands and surrounding countries. Here you can find Part I and here Part II. And of course, there will be more stories in this blog leading up to 5.December, under the same title.

Warning! This post reflects the culture found in the Netherlands and may therefore be a bit shocking to the "politically correct" culture found in the US! That's just how it is here folks!!

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While I have given you the background on SinterKlaas, whose persona is not unfamiliar to American culture, and yes, ostensibly he is the "star" of the show, the show itself and all the build-up to Sint's arrival is done by the Zwarte Pieten (Black Peters). In the Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourg, Zwarte Piet is Sint's helper or companion. We don't have elves here! The history behind this is that he was a servant or squire who helped Bishop Nicholas on his travels. The early legend is that he was a young, black slave named Peter that Nicholas had rescued and freed. He chose to stay with Nicholas rather than go out on his own. Other versions have it that he was a young page who got a black face because he was the one to climb down the chimneys and so he got covered in soot!

In other cultures, the figure of Nicholas has different helpers. In many parts of Germany, this is a dark figure called "Knecht Ruprecht" which translates as Servant or Farmhand Ruprecht. In some instances the Saint and the Knecht play "good & bad" roles with Nickolas handing out treats while Ruprecht threatens to beat the children with switches if they don't behave! My DH grew up with the tradition that on 6.December, along with a small present from Sankt Nickolas, the children received a bundle of switches that are tied together with ribbon and hung with various chocolates and candies. Children were often admonished that if they did not behave, then all they would get is the bundle of switches! In the US you can hear this reflected in some of the tales about Santa Claus.

In other European countries, this helper has a similar role but different names: Krampus (in Austria, Hungary, Solvenia, Croatia and some surrounding reagions), Klaubauf (in southern Germany), Pelzebock, Pelznickel, Belzeniggl, Buzebergt, Rumpelklas, Bellzebub, Hans Muff, Hanstrapp or Drapp (in various regions of Germany, Austria, Switzerland, northern Italy, eastern France and countries bordering Germany), and Le Pere Fouettard (Northern France). In most instances these companions are portrayed as ugly or comical figures, some even having horns and resembling a demon or devil. They often carry a rod or staff, sometimes a scythe or sword, or a whip or bundle of switches. And they all carry the sack for Saint Nicholas. In some incarnations, the companion is dressed in rags or all in black, while in others he is dressed like Nicholas, but has a darker complexion and dark hair and is unkempt compared to Nicholas. In some regions, however, Nicholas is accompanied by a young angel, a blond sweet-looking child or young woman. In the Czech Republic this is Anděl (Angel).

Depending on the region, "Nicholas Day" is celebrated on the 5th or the 6th. In some areas, he arrives at the door and the children are summoned to perform a poem or song before they are given their presents. It may be that the companion reads a list of the things naught children have done or is angry and mean and telling the children they deserve no presents. But while this can be scary, it is also fun for many children and they look forward to the show every year, practicing what they will say to convince the visitors that they deserve a present (which they always get in the end!).

But the Belgium-Netherlands-Luxembourg (Benelux) region is unique in its tradition of Zwarte Piet and this character is cherished as the biggest part of the Nicholas celebration. Through the years, especially since WWII, the legend developed to include more than one companion. Thus we have "Zwarte Pieten" (plural). All of them are named "Piet", and wear a colorful costume reminiscent of a Renaissance European page including pantaloons, ruffled collar, feathered cap, long stockings, buckled shoes (although nowadays replaced by sport shoes) and black gloves. But each has a different function and role to play in the ever-expanding drama that is the feast of SinterKlaas. Of course you have the main helper Piet (HoofdPiet), but also one in charge of the presents (PakjesPiet), one in charge of the poems (GedichtePiet), Piets in charge of Sint's horse Amerigo (PaardePieten), and of course dancing Piets, singing Piets, the Piets in charge of handing out/throwing the candy and cookies (StrooigoedPieten), etc. One of my favorite characters is MuziekPiet who is the lead singer and in charge of making up new songs for Sint. Funny, but instead of the usual Piet costume, he has a hairstyle and outfit resembling Elvis in his Las Vegas years!

But all of the Zwarte Piets are black! No, not African-American! No these are black-faced characters and even those actors of darker complexion wear the black make-up! While there has been some controversy over the usage of blackface, and every year you can find discussion forums on the political correctness of this character, all efforts to change this have not been accepted. In 2006, one of the main TV stations in the Netherlands tried to introduce rainbow-colored Piets in an effort to get away from this stereotype. Viewers stayed away in droves and a parade hosted by the TV station with all different colored characters was booed by the public. The whole idea was dropped very quickly.


Whereas in the US you may have someone dressed as Santa Claus collecting on a street corner, or even a street band of Santa Claus musicians, in the Benelux this is a role for Zwarte Piet. As Sint can't be everywhere at once, oftentimes you will only see Piets who then will collect the drawings and lists and be sure and bring them to Sint. One year DD1 was not at all impressed with the SinterKlaas we had met on the market. She informed me very knowingly that he was not the "real Sint", but just a helper dressed up like Sint as she was aware that SinterKlaas could not be everywhere at once. But, she informed me, the Piets were real. Thus she was not at all concerned that her drawing would not make it to the real SinterKlaas. Many schools have a day when Piets comes to visit and collect the drawings and wishlists from the children, leaving behind treats and small presents. Funny enough, though, these Piets often get a bit rowdy playing with the children's things and leaving behind a big mess at school. My daughters were outraged at these RommelPieten (messy Piets)!. And of course before the children were allowed to eat their treats they had to clean up the mess! At many schools every year there is some sort of theme around SinterKlaas and company. One year, one of the Piets had fallen in love with one of the teachers. Everyday the school received a love note with a clue as to which teacher it was. There were internal polls taken amongst the children as to who they thought it was. One class even made a bar graph showing the results. The speculation grew every day. One of the younger classes was very upset as they were sure it was their teacher and were afraid that she would go back to Spain with Piet and they did not want her to leave. They wrote a special letter to Sint and were relieved to learn with a personal letter from him that is was not their beloved teacher.

Dutch television has a special program each year with news about SinterKlaas and reports about all the various activities and dramas around his visit to the Netherlands. My daughters still insist on watching this every evening, though they really have outgrown SinterKlaas now. My blogfriend in Belgium, Goofball, reports that they have a different story there with Sint arriving in their country at a different location.

Now you have to understand the characters of ZwartePieten. Many of them are young and rather naughty. This stems from the original legend where they were naughty children who were put in Sint's sack and taken back to Spain! And they are very acrobatic (for the most part) as they are the ones who climb down the chimney and carry the sack of toys and treats. So of course almost every school gym lesson in November at some point has an obstacle course for the children to follow in order to earn the PietenDiploma! In the street parades and at the markets you will see a number of Piets handing out candy and pepernoten. But in some places they actually throw the candy, hence the term "Strooigoed" (stuff you throw). Especially at the school visits where the children perform for SinterKlaas, the Piets can be quite rambunctious and at times Sint has to calm them down. But it is all in good fun and the kids are usually quite happy to let the Piets join in their dances and throw candy at them. And whenever they see one on the street, the call to him by name yelling "Piet! Piet!" and are guaranteed a smile and a wave as if they are personally recognized. I have heard funny tales of Dutch children on summer vacation in Spain who, upon seeing a black person on the beach or street, have called out "Piet! Piet!". And in areas familiar with Dutch vacationeers, the child was usually rewarded with the same big smile and wave, thus confirming their identity!


And while in the US you find Santa hats and outfits, for the most part in the Netherlands the children all want to dress up as Piet. Well of course! You get a really colorful costume, and you can choose whatever color you want. Oftentimes it is satin or some soft material, though the fancier ones include velvet. The ruffled collar is not always pleasant, but simpler costumes leave that out. And you get a great cap with a feather. Many schools have craft activities where the kids make their own feather cap. But best of all you get to put on black makeup! Some kids are content to just a few smudges on their cheeks, but others go all out with their entire face and neck covered in black. Topped off with a curly black wig and a cap, the sight of the white eyes and bright smiles (sometimes with missing teeth!) from such shiny black faces is comical and touching at the same time. And of course there are one or two who will dress up at Sint. But you get to have a lot more fun as Piet! No wonder the parents no longer threaten their children about getting put into the sack and sent off to Spain. Kids in the Netherlands love ZwartePiet and many would jump at the chance without hesitation! I know of several teenagers who relish their role every year as a "helper", spending money of their own to embellish their costumes.

So while he may be a bit outdated, and definitely on the naughty side with some of his antics, and he is certainly not politically correct and is definitely a stereotype, I can't help myself, I love ZwartePiet! I would definitely go off to Spain with him!!

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So there you have the tradition as celebrated in the Netherlands, but I'm not done yet! Look for future blogs with this title to see how I combined the traditions of the Netherlands, Germany and the US into one story for my girls. And I will be posting a recipe (not something I often do) that includes what to do with all those extra pepernoten!!

Who is Coming to Your House? (Part II)

This post is part of a series I am writing to help my readers understand the difference between what is normally celebrated in the US during December vs the traditions one finds in the Netherlands and surrounding countries. But today is also ...
For more information and links about this great blogfun, visit 'Twas Brillig and company and have fun reading all their great stories. In keeping with the theme I am currently writing about, today I give you tales from my family's experience with SinterKlaas and his helpers.

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As I reported earlier, SinterKlaas is now in the Netherlands, and this legendary figure is also the source of the character we know in the US as "Santa Claus". Like the Saint Nicholas we know in the US, SinterKlaas is a benevolent old man who loves children and even though he wears the clothes of a bishop including the mitre and cape, his festival is celebrated all over the country by people of all religions, ages and backgrounds.

Although based on a real Archbishop of Myra, Turkey, who lived from 271 AD to December 6, 342 AD, part of the legend of today's SinterKlaas is that he is alive today and visits the Netherlands to celebrate his birthday! The other 11 months of the year he lives in Spain. So when he arrives in the Netherlands, you suddenly start seeing in the shops the "apples from Spain" which are actually oranges or mandarines. These are also popular treats given to children in their shoes which they place by the chimney or door along with a carrot or apple or hay for Sint's faithful steed Amerigo. Children also place their wishlists and drawings for SinterKlaas in their shoes. At times you will see Sint in the market in the center of town, accompanied by his faithful helpers (more about them in a later post). Children often line up to shake his hand and give him one of their drawings. And as SinterKlaas is a big fan of music and dancing, there is always a lot of that going on. I think there may be as many SinterKlaas songs as there are Christmas caroles! And every year there seems to be a new one added to the repertoire!

From the moment Sint and company arrive in the Netherlands, children have the opportunity to place their shoes every night by the door in the hopes of getting something (in some families he only comes on the weekends) Often this is a small treat, candy, sweet, piece of fruit, or toy. Sometimes it is something more useful such as school supplies, socks, a warm hat or gloves. But of course very special "SinterKlaas treats" are the pepernoten which are small, hard, round spice cookies (about the size of a large cherry). In flavor they are reminiscent of Gingersnaps or cinnamon cookies. Other treats are various marzipan sweets that come in all different shapes representing luck and various objects associated with this festival. And of course...chocolate. Remember the Dutch were the merchants who brought chocolate to the world, so of course this is an important part of the festival. Tradition has it that every child received a sweetbread that was shaped into the first letter of his or her name. But through the years this has slowly been replaced by chocolate letters in various manifestations. We have not only the typical milk chocolate, but also dark, white, hazelnut, mint, crispy, etc. And in families where the first names often have the same letters, the children often write to Sint to ask that their whole name be spelled out in chocolate letters (Sint doesn't usually go for this!)

In addition to the nightly visits to leave the smaller presents, on the day/afternoon/evening of 5.December, SinterKlaas often makes a personal visit to the children. Sometimes this occurs at school at a big party, sometimes at home in the presence of the assembled family. Of course to arrange such a visit, parents have to book months in advance! Most usually get a neighbor to put the sack of toys in front of the door and knock very loudly. For years we did this with our neighbors who had children older than ours.

One December 5th, when DD1 was 6 and DD2 3&1/2, I had my DH put them in the bath while I got the sack of toys out of the car and arranged for a neighbor to come and knock on our door. While I was outside, who should be walking down our street but SinterKlaas and one of his helpers! They had just finished a visit with one of our neighbors and were on their way to their next appointment. But as they saw me putting the sack by the door, they very kindly asked if they should knock for us!! Well of course! So I quickly got the kids out of the bath and into their robes in time to answer the door. And Sint and Piet brought in the sack and stayed for 5 minutes to take photos. Both girls were very reserved and shy, as I would expect them to be around any stranger. But what an impression! The whole experience was greatly expanded upon and embellished in the telling the next day at school. And of course especially as the presents they found in the sack were somehow exactly what they had wanted and asked Sint for and included some things they had not asked for but quickly fell in love with. The next year they were so excited during this period that every dark figure on the street must have been a Zwarte Piet.

But by the time DD1 was 8, she was starting to already have doubts about SinterKlaas. I had a very good and convincing story to cover the differences between SinterKlaas and Santa Claus (upcoming post), but some classmates at school and older children were telling her there was no such person and that it was the parents that brought the toys. That year I happened to be class Mom and therefore on the morning of 5.December I brought the girls to school and helped out at the party. Therefore I was at school the entire time.

So imagine their surprise when we returned home in the afternoon to find pepernoten and candy strewn throughout the hall, leading to a sack of toys in the living room! In fact, the trail went all the way up both sets of stairs into the top bedroom where I have my office. There were even candies on top of my desk in front of the window which was slightly open! The only possible explanation was that Sint and Piet had visited while we were out because there was no way anyone else could get onto the roof on the third floor and in through the window. And no one else would leave such a mess behind! And since my DH was traveling and did not return home until the evening, and the girls had seen me at school the entire day, the knew it could not have been their parents! So DD1 became a firm believer having hard evidence that she shared with anyone trying to convince her otherwise.

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Future blogs with this title will include more information about Sint vs Santa, Zwarte Pieten, my cover story for the cultural contradictions and my favorite recipe containing pepernoten!

Who is Coming to Your House? (Part I)

As my good friend Jenn has already told you, the Netherlands and surrounding regions are in full swing to prepare for the upcoming family holiday, the "Feast of Saint Nicholas". "What is this?", you may ask, if you are not familiar with Dutch culture. And how does this compare to Santa Claus? And as a parent with multi-cultural children, how do you reconcile your own traditions, with those of your adopted home? In other words,"Who comes to your house?" For the answer to these very good questions, gentle readers, I provide you in the coming weeks various historical tidbits and trivia, along with stories from my own experiences here and how I dealt with the cultural clash/crisis. I hope, in any case, that it allows you to appreciate your own traditions and to celebrate along with us!

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The tradition of "SinterKlaas" in the Netherlands actually pre-dates the Anglicized version of Santa Claus. In fact Dutch settlers brought the tradition with them in the early 17th century and it morphed through the years into the version most Americans know today. Clement Moore's poem " A Visit from Saint Nicholas" (you know, the one that starts out 'Twas the night before Christmas...) was first published in 1823. Christmas wasn't even a holiday in the US until 1870! Thomas Nast, a cartoonist for Harper's Weekly magazine, was inspired by Moore's poem and did a number of drawings that helped establish the image we have of the current "jolly old elf". And of course, you've probably heard about Coca Cola's contribution to the popular culture with its advertisement campaigns starting in 1931.

But the Dutch have remained faithful to the original "Sanct Herr Nicholaas" tradition that developed slowly from the 11th century, and today's Sinter Klaas wears the Bishop's clothes, miter, ruby ring and staff that are appropriate to the saint around which the legend has arisen. In the Netherlands, as in Belgium, Luxembourg, and parts of Germany, the celebration is on eve of the feast-day and is therefore celebrated on 5.December. However, the actual feast-day is 6.December (Catholics may know this as the feast-day or name-day for Nickolas), which is the anniversary of his death. So while many protestant parts of Germany celebrate on the 5th, the predominant Catholic regions celebrate on the 6th of December.

While Father Christmas in England and Santa Claus in the US have helpers who are elves and a workshop in the North Pole, in Holland SinterKlaas arrives by boat. And just as in the US you see Santa Claus and his helpers in various locations prior to Christmas day, in the Netherlands he arrives usually the second weekend in November, on a steam-boat from Spain! Harbor towns all along the coast of the Netherlands compete for the honor of receiving the much revered holy-man, and every year the celebration of his arrival is accompanied by a big party with television coverage avidly watched by children all over the county. In the weeks following his arrival all the other cities in the Netherlands welcome him into their locale with their own celebration. If they happen to have a canal in their town, then he may arrive on one of the smaller boats. Various elementary schools also welcome him and he has been known to arrive on various modes of transport including rowboat, coach, motorcycle, limousine, bicycle, horseback, and even with the friendly help of a local policecar or fire truck.

While in the US Santa Claus visits the children at their homes with the aid of a sleigh and eight magic reindeer, SinterKlaas makes due in the smaller country of the Netherlands on a magical white, grey-spotted horse named "Amerigo". This sure-footed beast is capable of jumping to the highest of roofs to carry the packages that are magically transported down the chimney by Sint's helpers. And for those who are not blessed with a fireplace, simply leaving your shoes by the door will guarantee that you will not be forgotten!

And while children in the US receive presents only on the 25th of December, Dutch children can actually receive a small gift or treat in their shoes every day from the time SinterKlaas and his helpers arrive in the Netherlands, and then the larger presents in a sack on 5.December! No wonder the kids love him so much!! And believe me when I tell you many a parent has used the threat of SinterKlaas and his helpers possibly peeking in the windows to help modify a child's behavior, especially in the evenings when any shadowy figure on the street could potentially be a "Zwarte Piet"...!

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More on Santa Claus vs. SinterKlaas, the helpers in various countries, my own childrens' experiences with "de goede Sint", and my own story to explain these various cultural contradictions in the upcoming blogs of with this same title!

Hand Me Downs...

I was waiting on the school playground to pick up DD2 when I noticed a little girl playing who was wearing a sweater just like one of DD2's. I was about to tell her that and let her know that it was one of DD2's and my favorites and that it was really pretty. Then she ran to her mother who was in the circle of moms I was chatting with and I realized it wasn't like DD2's sweter, it was her sweater that I had passed on to my girlfriend a few months ago. It was shocking to realize that indeed, DD2 was much too big for that lovely sweater and it was getting some good wear on my friend's daughter. I complimented her and she said, "Yes, I got it from DD2. It's my favorite!"

In the next minute I noticed out of the corner of my eye a little blonde head wearing a T-shirt I had seen many times on Jenn-In-Holland's daughter. In my mind's eye I flashed on her and then realized I was looking at my own DD2 who had grown into Jenn's daughter's clothes. How could it be that my little one was now such a big girl? (sigh)

I love hand-me-downs. Not only do they appeal to the "ecology nut" side of my nature, but seeing familiar clothes brings back such lovely memories of other young bodies doing similar or different things. For me, there is no sigma attached to hand-me-downs, only love.

Pitiful Parents Anonymous

Yes the SOS players now have button! 'Twas Brillig and Walking Kateastrophe have outdone themselves in their efforts to provide us a place to play on Sundays. Need to know more? You can visit them or this week visit our Soapy Hostess Thalia's Child. Don't miss out on the fun!!

My post this week is about a real-time Soap Opera. This might end up being an on-going story for some time, but I hope it won't have weekly updates!!

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"Good afternoon. I'd like to welcome you all to Pitiful Parent Anonymous. Our first speaker today is Fourier.Analyst."

"Hi, my moniker is FA and I'm the parent of an OCD child. It has been about 12 hours since my last meltdown with her."

"Hi FA", the group responds.

"It is so hard watching your child struggling with something you don't understand and can't imagine. You can't protect them. You can't make it better. No amount of tears or hugs, no amount of understanding or patience, no amount of long, calm (as possible) discussions, nothing leads to any answers, solutions, or relief. And even when you finally acknowledge this is out of your hands and needs to be dealt with by a professional, you are given the information that it might never be really fixed. And that the process to discover what might work will be long and full of dead ends and solutions that don't work.

And so you go on with daily life, trying to get back to some sort of normalcy. But then that unfortunately includes the everyday nagging that seems to cause so much stress. Still, you maintain the requirements of clean clothes everyday, some semblance of body hygiene, regular semi-healthy meals, rudimentary efforts at keeping the chaos out of the living room and the rest of the house, a daily effort at doing homework and an occasional stab at clearing a space in your child's bedroom. And with these come the expected adolescent temper tantrums and vocal responses that grate on nerves and stretch parental patience.

Moans and complaining sessions over coffee with other Moms tell you that this is typical behaviour, but you know that there is a difference. The level of hysteria that comes from a simple question or request is beyond a "normal" response. The escalation into screaming fits, and destruction of property, followed by sullen silences and hiding and the discovery of more wads of hair from an already brutalized head, no, this is not normal. But I'm tired of crying every day, and am sure to do so if I talk about it any further. And so I just nod and sigh and drink my tea without going into further details.

My close friends know the gory details. We hug and cry together, laugh when possible and change the subject when it all just gets to be too much. I'm smart enough to know this is not all my fault, despite how much she tries to tell me it is. I know she doesn't really hate me, though this is very hard to believe when she is screaming it with such conviction. I know she doesn't want to leave home, though I fully expect running away from home to be one of the next escalations of the pattern of behaviour. And I know she doesn't want me to leave and would be sorry if I suddenly died and regret forever her last words to me.

It is taking its toll on the whole family, but most of all on me. My own Fibromyalgia illness makes my body very ill-suited to handling the stress chemicals that are released so often. I am in physical pain for so much of the time that I don't even notice anymore unless it steps up a level. Everyday tasks leave me exhausted and while exercise is the best medicine for me, I can hardly get the strength to get the kids where they need to be and can't even face the prospect of a workout. I am on the verge of tears so much of the time I don't dare face gym buddies I have not seen for a while who would certainly ask how I am and where I've been. And I have been known to have to leave in the middle of yoga class, on days when things were going fairly well, to cry in the bathroom just from the release of tension from holding myself together that I was not even aware of.

So it is a daily struggle that I am resigned will result in more of the same. We are currently on the merry-go-round of specialists who can advise on the treatment that is needed. But it is a slow process in an already over-burdened medical system. She's not yet considered a real danger to herself, though she is clearly on that path if we don't intervene soon. So we have another appointment next week to be followed by a course therapy and very likely a referral and another period of waiting before we finally get on the pharmaceutical roller-coaster and hopefully eventually find some stability.

The hardest part for me as a parent is not the current reality, though I am struggling with that burden. But knowing that this is an ongoing problem that my beautiful child will struggle with for the rest of her life. It is not how I imagined her future and while I know that for the most part she will have a normal, happy life, I worry about the periods of torment. These are the thoughts that keep me from sleep. These are the fears that tear at my heart. These are the struggles that make me shake my fist at fortune and curse the gods who have placed such a trial on one so innocent and full of promise. And at the times when I have exhausted myself with of these thoughts and finally manage quieten my mind, the small "I told you so" voice comes out reminding me of the doubts I had about my ability to be a good mother.

I know I am in the middle of the "grief process". I have battled through the denial of the problem and acknowledged that this is out of my hands and needs professional help. I have raged the "Why me?/Why her?/What did we do wrong?" theme to until it no longer needs asking and I know that there are no answers. I have negotiated all the various efforts to make things better and tried to let things go on without any parental intervention until I realized that this was only leading to more chaos in her life and more stress in mine. There is no bargaining with this condition. It will not wait until after test week or take a break during family vacations. It is here and now. I guess I've reached the stage of depression. It all looks bleak and scary ahead and I am just very, very sad.

But on the other side of this will be acceptance and I'm working towards this. There are worse problems in the world. And I am amazed to hear from other women I admire and believe are living examples of "SuperMom" that they too have been down this path and there is hope and help on the way. So I tell you this tale of my struggle to cope one day at a time and more than ever how fiercely I say the prayer that closes every PPA meeting:"

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

"The Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Niebuhr