Fourier Analysis is a mathematical tool which can do a number of things: separate out signals from noise; help identify patterns or trends in data; filter out all unwanted data and focus on a single signal; use approximations to make generalizations; make approximations of real world signals (think electronic music); combine harmonics to get a stronger signal. That's what I'll be trying to do here!! Won't you join me with your comments?

Friday, December 14, 2007

Trouble Comes in Threes...(Update)

I know, I seem to have disappeared from the blogsphere. I have hardly been near my computer lately except to e-mail the school about DD1's absence. You see, the third "crisis" finally showed up. What started out as a cold and developed over a week or so into the "crud" has finally manifested as full-blown pneumonia. And as this is my first experience with an almost-teen being ill, I am afraid I have not handled it very well. She vacillates from not wanting to be talked to or touched to crawling into my bed or lap and needing to be held and rocked just as she did when she was 3 years old and sick. And of course we have the battles about trying to get her to eat/drink/take medicine/measure fever/dress warmly/take a bath/cough hard/ blow her nose/go to the doctor/etc. (sigh)!

So finally when she felt bad enough to let me take her to the doctor it was of course in the evening and we had to get to the night-clinic. I felt so guilty when describing her symptoms to the doctor because she obviously thought I had waited too long to come. How do you tell someone who has obviously never had kids, much less a prickly pre-teen, that in between bouts of fever and really feeling sick, she was complaining about being bored, working her way through all the computer games and DVDs, asking if she could ride her bike outside, talking on the phone to friends about being at school the next day, and so on? And even when her fever was so high that she was shivering under the covers and I had to hold her for almost an hour, she was absolutely insistent that she did not need a doctor. Unfortunately DH was traveling, so there was no way I could man-handle her into the car by myself if she did not want to come voluntarily. So I sat sheepishly in front of the doctor who informed me that a virus or flu usually starts out with a fever that goes away after 3 days or so, but as she had already had a cold for more than a week before she got the fever, this was obviously an infection and that it was very important that she take all her medicine, drink fluids, rest, stay warm, and try to cough to clear her lungs. As if I had not been trying to do these things for the past week. Nonetheless, my own feelings of inadequacy have now been supported by a medical authority. I am officially now a "Bad Mommy". Maybe I need to design a button for my blog...

I have to laugh or I would just collapse in tears. The other news is also not so good.

My FIL has now had the second surgery in this round of his bladder cancer and the news is not good. They are recommending that he have his bladder removed. This is a hard operation on anyone at any age, but for man of 81 it comes with ominous overtones. It is especially disheartening for him as shortly after he was diagnosed over 2 years ago, his own Brother-in-Law, who is younger than him, got the same diagnosis. But his BIL's course of treatment involved the immediate removal of his bladder. He went downhill from that point on and died 6 months ago. So for my FIL, in his mind removing his bladder is basically a death sentence. But his doctors are telling him that not doing so is just as bad. So my DH is under a lot of stress trying to cope with our homefront issues and support his parents as well.

And the progress in diagnosing DD1 is going so slow, as is the case wherever there is socialized medicine. We have now completed the psychological evaluation, which only confirmed what I already knew about her. First of all, the mental evaluation shows she is "gifted" and very intelligent, almost off the scales for the tests they were using for her. However, emotionally she is behind girls her age. But that is not an unusual combination. All the other evaluations show she is not ADD or ADHD, though she has some concentration problems. And while she has often expressed she "wants to be a boy", she has no body issues which would indicated some sort of trans-gender issues. If there are other sexual issues that contribute to her stress level, it is still to soon to tell. Because of the pattern of behaviour, hormones definitely have some contribution. But clearly there is a chemical imbalance and as the stress builds up she gets more hostile and irritated until we have a meltdown complete with the kind of temper tantrum she used to have as a 2-year old. The trouble is it comes with the ugly back-talk and threats of a teenager as well as the physical strength and violent temper. At times I think instead of a psychiatrist we need an exorcist.

But we have now the preliminary diagnosis of Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder showing a number of symptoms including the self-harming behaviour of pulling out her hair. She now has pulled out almost one-third and my biggest fear is that this will progress to an even more severe pattern. So we now have our first appointment with a child psychiatrist on 17.January. I am hoping that the holidays don't bring any more stress. I am not sure if I can handle it.

But at least I know what number 3 was and am not so worried about any more bad surprises. I know it is a silly superstition, but for me it does seem to have a pattern and somehow I am comforted by this. And I call myself a scientist...

16 comments:

Space Mom said...

Man, this is stressful! I hope she gets better and everything calms down.

At least you have an OCD diagnosis so you can move forward...

Thinking of you!

soccer mom in denial said...

Hey, fear of the unknown is normal! Thank you so much for telling "us" what is going on. I wish I could hug you, and DD1.

Oh, and if you ever make a Bad Mother Button, make sure to send me the code. I will proudly "wear" it on my blog!

Wholly Burble said...

Sounds like you are going through quite an upheaval on several fronts. It's good you can blog and share some of this--hopefully that will take some of the stress off of you. Know you are thought of and there are hugs being sent.

Jenn in Holland said...

The Bad Mommy button will be worn with pride at my place too. You know I am here for you for whatever you need darlin'. You are doing amazing things and handling it all with amazing strength.

anno said...

Oh, friend! I'm sorry that the holidays, which are always stressful enough by themselves, have brought along all this as well. I hope your daughter is feeling better soon, and that you have easier days until her appointment with the psychiatrist. Thanks for letting us know what's going. Let me know when that Bad Mommy button is ready!

Virtualsprite said...

I, too, am deserving of the Bad Mommy Button. I will wear it with pride.

Hang in there. You've got a lot on your plate and a whole lot of stress, but you are strong and intelligent and loving. I hope eveyrone makes it through and starts feeling better soon. *hugs from Wisconsin*

Robin said...

There is no mother on earth who hasn't deserved that button at one time or another.

(((hugs)))

(Just got home, family calling, back later)

Goofball said...

pffff my prediction that there would be no third bad news didn't come true. I am so sorry to hear that.

Maybe the doctor gave you the feeling that you are a bad mommy, but you know better. You know what truly happened.

I am crossing my fingers for a peaceful holiday season! I'll try to telekinetically send a lot of peace over north!

Take care

Mariposa said...

Bad Mommy thingy is just a temporary feeling...and it's no way a description of you. ;)

I hope things get better soon...sending you happy thoughts!

Jan said...

I too believe in the patteren of three. You hang in there and know that you are being thought of and many (((HUGS))) are being sent your way.

Jan

Flower Child said...

I'm a believer in threes. So now you know. Wear that button with pride.

Mom not Mum said...

I agree with the others - it's a button we all wear! It definitely sounds like you've hit a rough patch but this diagnosis hopefully will help things to improve!

Emma Sometimes said...

Darn that button for being sold everywhere mommies shop. :|

Just throw it out and know you do your best, (and doggonit, people like you!!!)

It sounds like OCD is a good start for a diagnosis..and for threes. Three schmee, stress won't touch thee!

adam said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mariposa said...

Happy holidays to you!!!

Leslie said...

When it rains, it pours! You've had so much to handle, lately. I hope it is getting better.

And that Bad Mom button? There isn't a single one of us that hasn't felt we earned it at one time or another! But, I'm sure you know - at least you should know - you are far from a bad mom.