In the midst of my own haze of pain and struggle to get my sluggish mind and body moving, I am faced with a pre-teen crisis. I knew this was coming and that the homework tantrum from the previous week was only a preview. We now are in the midst of full-blown Middle-School Meltdown.
It is heartbreaking. And at the same time a necessary step on the way to adulthood and independence.
But it is not, and I believe never was for anyone, easy. Nevertheless, that offers no comfort to an almost 12-year-old who hates her body, despises the boys in her class which she labels "stupid", chafes at the various rules and responsibilities that are new and confusing, longs for independence and at the same time will not admit that she is a bit scared.
I watch as she frowns over her homework, knowing full well it takes a lot of energy and effort to "put a kink in the gray matter" (something I learned from a doctor-friend about how a brain develops). I hold her a minute longer when she gives me a good-night cuddle and after a moment's struggle to break free, she relents and settles into my arms for some respite.
I give what soothing advice and comfort I can, but I know it falls on deaf ears. All my Mommy-wisdom will not change how she feels. She is unique with her own problems and inner demons she must conquer alone. All I can offer and know it will matter is my love, my belief in her, my assurance that no matter what, she has a soft place to land on if/when she falls.
And then she is off, out of my presence and I am left with my prayers to whatever gods are listening that I am more than willing to accept more pain myself if it will ease some of hers.
If only it were that easy...
After posting this, I went and read my friend's blog and found that she too is on this same path. Her entry is so much more eloquent, I urge you to read it yourself. The pains we share as parents form such unspeakably wonderful and poignant connections.
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8 comments:
As I wrote in that other post I hated middle school. I can just feel everything your daughter is going through.
You have the right attitude and don't seem to be taking it personally. She's growing up.
And all boys are stupid.
Hug to you my friend. Feel better soon.
I wrote on the other post as well - I read blogs from the bottom up on my fav blogs list so hers was read first and responded to but the same message applies. She is lucky to have you - so many parents don't know what to do once their children start to grow up and all they need to do is exactly what you are doing. Keep that hug going a little longer.
Growing up is so incredibly hard. I feel for your daughter. At the same time I'm happy for her in that she has this amazingly intelligent, compassionate mom that will help her whenever/wherever possible .
Sending you {{hugs}}
Keep holding her that extra moment. It's so hard being a 12-year-old girl, and it's hard being a mom to one when you're exhausted yourself. I hope she settles more easily into the year soon.
"she relents and settles into my arms for some respite"
I was so glad to read that. It's frightening/ sad to think of your kids being in pain but reluctant to take comfort from you. (I know that it's a normal teenage thing - but scary nonetheless) Sounds like you BOTH really need those extra cuddles right now.
Not sure I've introduced myself before, but I found my way here via some unknown blogroll route, and I was pulled in - particularly with your blog title (a physicist here), and your last Soap Opera Sunday tales. From what I can see, you're an amazing person, and even if it's tough now, I'm sure your daughter has picked up on your strength and she'll get through this. Middle school sucks.
Those hugs may be harder to deliver, especially when teens claim they don't need/want them, but they are very, very important. You are wise to hold on that extra moment.
I hope you both find comfort this weekend.
I feel for you both. 12 was the hardest age for me. I just felt wrong, completely. I wouldn't ever want to be 12 again, but I love where it led me. I'm thinking of you!
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