maintenance.
Computer, lawn, desk, house, etc...
Wanna play? Just ask Jenn!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Me, me, meme! (III)
I am not very good at the "Meme" games that you find on many blogs. In fact I still owe Robin of Around the Island one from way back in August (I didn't forget!). But as I have been struggling with so much drama on the homefront that I've already blogged about, and I am a bit at a loss for my usual enthusiasm and inspiration, this meme from The Real Life Drama Queen hit me at just the right moment, so here goes:
A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
B. Each player lists 6 facts/habits/secrets about themselves.
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
My Facts:
1. I have trouble accepting compliments. My first reaction is to deny whatever nice thing is being said about me and provide ample evidence to the contrary. In fact that was originally what this blog was going to be about. You see Jen in MI of A2eatwrite awarded me this lovely blog-bling:
with the comment "...for her comforting words and loving demeanor and her use of "Darling" in her comments! And also for her courage in sharing difficult times with us through her blog and showing us that there are many routes in life and we can overcome adversity."
I wanted to tell her how wrong she is and what a true b**ch I can be. But then I know also how hard I am on myself and that the best thing to do when you get a compliment is to beam and blush and say "Thank You". So I am doing my best to beam and blush and overcome my dig-my-toe-in-the-ground, "Aw shucks" reaction. Thanks so much Darlin' Jen! It does make me feel a wee bit special to get such lovely bling and I will do my best to live up to it. And also a "Thank You" to Anno as I just know she was thinking of me for this award as well! I can only say "back at'cha " ladies!
And now the good part where I get to name some of my nicest blogging buddies, only...most of them have already been named by someone else. Fortunately, a few could stand to be named again so I award:
Rebecca James, my lovely Ozzie blogbuddy who is so nice that she can't even be rude when it is absolutely called for (see this post)!
Robin of Around the Island, a blogbuddy in Israel who is so nice about all her frustrations as a Mom that she puts my rants to shame. She is a wonderful example of what I try (but often fail) to live up to. She has great suggestions and links as well and is a truly fun read.
And my lovely "southern" neighbour at Goofballsworld as she is always leaving such funny, encouraging comments and I am dying to meet her in person someday!
2. While I pride myself on being a bit of anegghead intellectual with respect to my sense of humour, I have a very silly weakness for ... "light bulb" jokes! I collect them! I think they are hysterical. For instance: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes her a lot of money and a long time and the light bulb really has to want to change. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one not to change the bulb! Oh I could go on, and I probably will in another post!
3. I have small feet. I wear size 5 1/2 shoes. In Europe this is size 35-36. Problem is adult shoe sizes over here start at size 36-37. I have to look for shoes in the children's departments. Last year I found a great pair of boots that were very reasonably priced and comfortable and fit me well. I almost bought them, until I realized that just above the ankle was an emblem of a bunny! (sigh)
4. I (almost) have "absolute pitch". Almost, because to have true absolute pitch you need to start training very early on to be able to determine whether a note is a half tone sharp or flat and be able to sing any note that is requested on command. I started training in high school when my choir teacher discovered this. But at age 15-16 I found this really boring and did not continue. While this ability is great when you are in the musical world and can make some use of it, it is at times a pain in the "real" world. You cannot imagine the number of times I have had to run from the room or hit the off/mute button on the Radio/TV. There are some pop songs and singers that I just cannot stand to listen to, and unfortunately they seem to be some of the more popular ones. And it took me a long time to understand why the London Philharmonic Orchestra version of a classical piece appeals to me less than the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra version. Turns out the British tune their orchestra (you know when the first chair violinist plays a note that everyone then plays on their instrument when they are first starting) to a different note (A4 = 440 Hz) from the Germans (A4 = 446 Hz). While either tuning system is perfectly acceptable, and the musical performances are both equally good, the British orchestra just sounds "wrong", not flat or sharp, but not "right". And it bugged me for years before I learned what the difference is. Now I can listen to their recordings and know that it is "okay" and still enjoy the music (After all, we're talking about only 6 Hz difference here!). But I still prefer performances by the German orchestra and other orchestras that have the same tuning. Weird I know, picky, nonsensical. Just one of the little quirks in my life.
5. I have a "somewhat" photographic memory. I can't tell you verbatim what is written on a page or what page it is on, but I can tell you about where something is in a book or magazine (front, middle, back) and on a page (top, bottom, middle) and if there is a photograph or drawing nearby. It has never really helped me in school as I don't have the true recall that will tell me exactly what information is written. Just a vague collection of content and where it is located. It does at times help when I am searching for something I have read, but otherwise is basically a useless ability. Like number 4 above. Weird, and somehow gives me the impression that I am second- or third-best in a category but not really good at anything!
6. I am lousy at names and worse a remembering numbers. At least in terms of brain-vocal connection. However, I can remember a phone number by how it sounds when I dial it and sometimes my hand knows it even when my "brain" doesn't. For instance, I can dial some frequent numbers on the phone without looking. But I cannot possibly tell you what number I have just dialed. And I can hear when I have mis-dialed a number. Another almost useless ability. (sigh)
Now this actually not the first time I have played this kind of game. So if you really are interested in knowing more about my "strangeness", hop on over to this early post from my very first meme, or this one where I do 8 more "interesting" things! I do think the first one has some of my best answers! (Snort Warning! Do not eat or drink around the computer while reading this post!!) And that's it guys. I'm telling you I'm not that interesting!! Don't ask me to do this again!! But I do know a couple of folks who are very interesting and as they are also playing "NaBloPoMo" they might can use this as a(n)substitute excuse for inspiration:
My great friend Jenn-In-Holland at Something to Say... who is welcome to substitute interesting photos for facts if she wants!! Same challenge to her partner-in-blog (check out their Looking Into photoblog) Allison at Soccer Mom In Denial. And another of my favorite writers, who doesn't usually do memes but could use the excuse as a personal favor to me, is our lovely SOS originator 'Twas Brillig.
A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
B. Each player lists 6 facts/habits/secrets about themselves.
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
My Facts:
1. I have trouble accepting compliments. My first reaction is to deny whatever nice thing is being said about me and provide ample evidence to the contrary. In fact that was originally what this blog was going to be about. You see Jen in MI of A2eatwrite awarded me this lovely blog-bling:
with the comment "...for her comforting words and loving demeanor and her use of "Darling" in her comments! And also for her courage in sharing difficult times with us through her blog and showing us that there are many routes in life and we can overcome adversity."
I wanted to tell her how wrong she is and what a true b**ch I can be. But then I know also how hard I am on myself and that the best thing to do when you get a compliment is to beam and blush and say "Thank You". So I am doing my best to beam and blush and overcome my dig-my-toe-in-the-ground, "Aw shucks" reaction. Thanks so much Darlin' Jen! It does make me feel a wee bit special to get such lovely bling and I will do my best to live up to it. And also a "Thank You" to Anno as I just know she was thinking of me for this award as well! I can only say "back at'cha " ladies!
And now the good part where I get to name some of my nicest blogging buddies, only...most of them have already been named by someone else. Fortunately, a few could stand to be named again so I award:
Rebecca James, my lovely Ozzie blogbuddy who is so nice that she can't even be rude when it is absolutely called for (see this post)!
Robin of Around the Island, a blogbuddy in Israel who is so nice about all her frustrations as a Mom that she puts my rants to shame. She is a wonderful example of what I try (but often fail) to live up to. She has great suggestions and links as well and is a truly fun read.
And my lovely "southern" neighbour at Goofballsworld as she is always leaving such funny, encouraging comments and I am dying to meet her in person someday!
2. While I pride myself on being a bit of an
3. I have small feet. I wear size 5 1/2 shoes. In Europe this is size 35-36. Problem is adult shoe sizes over here start at size 36-37. I have to look for shoes in the children's departments. Last year I found a great pair of boots that were very reasonably priced and comfortable and fit me well. I almost bought them, until I realized that just above the ankle was an emblem of a bunny! (sigh)
4. I (almost) have "absolute pitch". Almost, because to have true absolute pitch you need to start training very early on to be able to determine whether a note is a half tone sharp or flat and be able to sing any note that is requested on command. I started training in high school when my choir teacher discovered this. But at age 15-16 I found this really boring and did not continue. While this ability is great when you are in the musical world and can make some use of it, it is at times a pain in the "real" world. You cannot imagine the number of times I have had to run from the room or hit the off/mute button on the Radio/TV. There are some pop songs and singers that I just cannot stand to listen to, and unfortunately they seem to be some of the more popular ones. And it took me a long time to understand why the London Philharmonic Orchestra version of a classical piece appeals to me less than the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra version. Turns out the British tune their orchestra (you know when the first chair violinist plays a note that everyone then plays on their instrument when they are first starting) to a different note (A4 = 440 Hz) from the Germans (A4 = 446 Hz). While either tuning system is perfectly acceptable, and the musical performances are both equally good, the British orchestra just sounds "wrong", not flat or sharp, but not "right". And it bugged me for years before I learned what the difference is. Now I can listen to their recordings and know that it is "okay" and still enjoy the music (After all, we're talking about only 6 Hz difference here!). But I still prefer performances by the German orchestra and other orchestras that have the same tuning. Weird I know, picky, nonsensical. Just one of the little quirks in my life.
5. I have a "somewhat" photographic memory. I can't tell you verbatim what is written on a page or what page it is on, but I can tell you about where something is in a book or magazine (front, middle, back) and on a page (top, bottom, middle) and if there is a photograph or drawing nearby. It has never really helped me in school as I don't have the true recall that will tell me exactly what information is written. Just a vague collection of content and where it is located. It does at times help when I am searching for something I have read, but otherwise is basically a useless ability. Like number 4 above. Weird, and somehow gives me the impression that I am second- or third-best in a category but not really good at anything!
6. I am lousy at names and worse a remembering numbers. At least in terms of brain-vocal connection. However, I can remember a phone number by how it sounds when I dial it and sometimes my hand knows it even when my "brain" doesn't. For instance, I can dial some frequent numbers on the phone without looking. But I cannot possibly tell you what number I have just dialed. And I can hear when I have mis-dialed a number. Another almost useless ability. (sigh)
Now this actually not the first time I have played this kind of game. So if you really are interested in knowing more about my "strangeness", hop on over to this early post from my very first meme, or this one where I do 8 more "interesting" things! I do think the first one has some of my best answers! (Snort Warning! Do not eat or drink around the computer while reading this post!!) And that's it guys. I'm telling you I'm not that interesting!! Don't ask me to do this again!! But I do know a couple of folks who are very interesting and as they are also playing "NaBloPoMo" they might can use this as a(n)
My great friend Jenn-In-Holland at Something to Say... who is welcome to substitute interesting photos for facts if she wants!! Same challenge to her partner-in-blog (check out their Looking Into photoblog) Allison at Soccer Mom In Denial. And another of my favorite writers, who doesn't usually do memes but could use the excuse as a personal favor to me, is our lovely SOS originator 'Twas Brillig.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed...
And yet another installment of ....
I have been a bit heavy with my last story and I apologize here for this. But this time I flashback for another funny (true) tale from my past.
As I had mentioned, we got married in a civil ceremony in the city where my husband was born and where his family still lives. As neither of us is really into organized religion, we did not opt for the additional church wedding which is where the bride gets really decked out. However, since this was to be the only ceremony we planned, I wanted to wear something special for the day and as suits were a fairly common attire for me at work, I decided to wear a pretty dress. Great compromise, until I just could not find anything that really worked for me. Either too formal or too flashy or too casual. I decided I would wait until I got back to Texas to look for something there. As part of the planning, however, I indulged myself and picked up a German bridal magazine. While looking through it I found the perfect dress! A simple A-line, sleeveless shift with a lace cape overlay. And the magazine included the pattern for the dress!
Now I am not a seamstress, but knew that my Mom would help out and so this was the plan. The next good fortune came when I was walking over the local market and came across a stand selling the most beautiful bolts of lace. I fell in love with a simple cream-colored soft lace and bought the fabric on the spot. Back in Texas 3 weeks prior to the wedding I found matching cream-colored crepe for the dress and satin-like material for the lining and I was off. Now the comedy of errors that represents my sewing skills began. But I did not do too bad and only had about 3 meltdowns and tearful tantrums that required my mother's skills to rescue me. I am sure she rues the day she ever taught me to sew. But in the end it worked out fabulous.
How hard could it have been, you ask? Well, for you novices, crepe and satin are very hard to keep in place when cutting and sewing and tend to slip and slide all over the place. And both materials unravel like crazy so you have to be careful with the strings or else end up with bunches and pulls in the fabric (which I did on numerous occasions). And the pattern, while simple, had an elegant trick to it. The skirt had a "lily hem" which was shorter in the front, hitting just above my knee, and long in the back, dipping down to mid-calf. Trying to get both sides symmetrical was harder than it sounds. Oh, and of course the instructions were all in German!
The cape was also harder than it appeared to be initially. We're talking a circle with a cut on one side and a hole in the middle right? Wrong. It too was shorter in the front than in the back, which made it asymmetrical and called for very great care in cutting. I think I pinned the pattern six times before I started cutting. I even made a newspaper version that I tried on and adjusted before I took scissors to fabric. The cutting of lace is a nightmare in itself. And it had only two seams along the shoulders, but in order to sew it I had to use a layer of tissue paper in between and sew it together, then carefully tear out the tissue paper! AARRRGGGHH!! What had I gotten myself into? It finally got done and all that remained was to hand sew a thin satin ribbon around the neckline and add buttons and ribbon loops up the back. It was optional to add satin ribbon around the cut edges of the lace and so I left out that option. Dress finished!
Fast forward to the night before the wedding. When I looked at the dress hanging there I was not happy with the edges of the lace where it had been cut. So I decided to hand sew the ribbon along the edge. Now figuring that the radius of the cape was about 2 feet, that means 2piR is the length of the hem I would need. That's over 12 feet! In very poor light. The night before my wedding. I obviously had lost my mind!! But in fact it helped to calm the pre-wedding nerves and I actually finished by about 2AM.
As if that wasn't enough drama. My parents and I were staying in a hotel downtown while DH was with his family. As I was only in town for 2 nights and we were to return to Holland the day after the wedding, I only had a small suitcase with the basic necessities with me. And of course what I needed for the wedding. Following the tradition, I had "Something old" - a monogrammed lace handkerchief from my paternal grandmother who shares my first initial, "something new" - pretty new pearl earrings, "something borrowed" - I was going to wear my mother's fancy watch, "something blue" - a hand-sewn blue garter from my best friend back in Texas, "and a lucky penny for my shoe" - actually I had two, a US penny from the year I was born from my Dad and a new German pfennig from the year I got married provided by my future father-in.law.
I was all set...until the next morning. As I was packing light, I had thought to wear the bra I had been wearing the night before. Only when I got dressed for dinner I had decided that the black bra looked better under the dark outfit I was wearing. And I didn't pack a white one for under my wedding dress! Granted I was wearing a slip and the dress was lined, but still there was a shadow that I could see and I was afraid a strap might show as the dress was sleeveless. CRISIS!!
My Mom to the rescue. She had an extra white bra with her and while I am shaped very differently, it still worked well enough! And in the rush I forgot to put on her watch. So guess what my "something borrowed" was!!!
I don't usually do pictures, but this result deserves to be seen!
blame credit for starting this addictive fun!
I have been a bit heavy with my last story and I apologize here for this. But this time I flashback for another funny (true) tale from my past.
****************************************************
While I have used this blog in the past to write about my wedding, I did not mention the adventure that involved the preparations for said day. And yes, this deserves its own SOS!As I had mentioned, we got married in a civil ceremony in the city where my husband was born and where his family still lives. As neither of us is really into organized religion, we did not opt for the additional church wedding which is where the bride gets really decked out. However, since this was to be the only ceremony we planned, I wanted to wear something special for the day and as suits were a fairly common attire for me at work, I decided to wear a pretty dress. Great compromise, until I just could not find anything that really worked for me. Either too formal or too flashy or too casual. I decided I would wait until I got back to Texas to look for something there. As part of the planning, however, I indulged myself and picked up a German bridal magazine. While looking through it I found the perfect dress! A simple A-line, sleeveless shift with a lace cape overlay. And the magazine included the pattern for the dress!
Now I am not a seamstress, but knew that my Mom would help out and so this was the plan. The next good fortune came when I was walking over the local market and came across a stand selling the most beautiful bolts of lace. I fell in love with a simple cream-colored soft lace and bought the fabric on the spot. Back in Texas 3 weeks prior to the wedding I found matching cream-colored crepe for the dress and satin-like material for the lining and I was off. Now the comedy of errors that represents my sewing skills began. But I did not do too bad and only had about 3 meltdowns and tearful tantrums that required my mother's skills to rescue me. I am sure she rues the day she ever taught me to sew. But in the end it worked out fabulous.
How hard could it have been, you ask? Well, for you novices, crepe and satin are very hard to keep in place when cutting and sewing and tend to slip and slide all over the place. And both materials unravel like crazy so you have to be careful with the strings or else end up with bunches and pulls in the fabric (which I did on numerous occasions). And the pattern, while simple, had an elegant trick to it. The skirt had a "lily hem" which was shorter in the front, hitting just above my knee, and long in the back, dipping down to mid-calf. Trying to get both sides symmetrical was harder than it sounds. Oh, and of course the instructions were all in German!
The cape was also harder than it appeared to be initially. We're talking a circle with a cut on one side and a hole in the middle right? Wrong. It too was shorter in the front than in the back, which made it asymmetrical and called for very great care in cutting. I think I pinned the pattern six times before I started cutting. I even made a newspaper version that I tried on and adjusted before I took scissors to fabric. The cutting of lace is a nightmare in itself. And it had only two seams along the shoulders, but in order to sew it I had to use a layer of tissue paper in between and sew it together, then carefully tear out the tissue paper! AARRRGGGHH!! What had I gotten myself into? It finally got done and all that remained was to hand sew a thin satin ribbon around the neckline and add buttons and ribbon loops up the back. It was optional to add satin ribbon around the cut edges of the lace and so I left out that option. Dress finished!
Fast forward to the night before the wedding. When I looked at the dress hanging there I was not happy with the edges of the lace where it had been cut. So I decided to hand sew the ribbon along the edge. Now figuring that the radius of the cape was about 2 feet, that means 2piR is the length of the hem I would need. That's over 12 feet! In very poor light. The night before my wedding. I obviously had lost my mind!! But in fact it helped to calm the pre-wedding nerves and I actually finished by about 2AM.
As if that wasn't enough drama. My parents and I were staying in a hotel downtown while DH was with his family. As I was only in town for 2 nights and we were to return to Holland the day after the wedding, I only had a small suitcase with the basic necessities with me. And of course what I needed for the wedding. Following the tradition, I had "Something old" - a monogrammed lace handkerchief from my paternal grandmother who shares my first initial, "something new" - pretty new pearl earrings, "something borrowed" - I was going to wear my mother's fancy watch, "something blue" - a hand-sewn blue garter from my best friend back in Texas, "and a lucky penny for my shoe" - actually I had two, a US penny from the year I was born from my Dad and a new German pfennig from the year I got married provided by my future father-in.law.
I was all set...until the next morning. As I was packing light, I had thought to wear the bra I had been wearing the night before. Only when I got dressed for dinner I had decided that the black bra looked better under the dark outfit I was wearing. And I didn't pack a white one for under my wedding dress! Granted I was wearing a slip and the dress was lined, but still there was a shadow that I could see and I was afraid a strap might show as the dress was sleeveless. CRISIS!!
My Mom to the rescue. She had an extra white bra with her and while I am shaped very differently, it still worked well enough! And in the rush I forgot to put on her watch. So guess what my "something borrowed" was!!!
I don't usually do pictures, but this result deserves to be seen!
***************************************************************
For more lovely SOS Tales, please check out our hostess this week Jenn-In-Holland at Something to Say:About Life in the Netherlands. And for previous and future installments, be sure and look at 'Twas Brillig and Walking Kateastrophe who surely deserve the Saturday, November 10, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Hand Me Downs...
I was waiting on the school playground to pick up DD2 when I noticed a little girl playing who was wearing a sweater just like one of DD2's. I was about to tell her that and let her know that it was one of DD2's and my favorites and that it was really pretty. Then she ran to her mother who was in the circle of moms I was chatting with and I realized it wasn't like DD2's sweter, it was her sweater that I had passed on to my girlfriend a few months ago. It was shocking to realize that indeed, DD2 was much too big for that lovely sweater and it was getting some good wear on my friend's daughter. I complimented her and she said, "Yes, I got it from DD2. It's my favorite!"
In the next minute I noticed out of the corner of my eye a little blonde head wearing a T-shirt I had seen many times on Jenn-In-Holland's daughter. In my mind's eye I flashed on her and then realized I was looking at my own DD2 who had grown into Jenn's daughter's clothes. How could it be that my little one was now such a big girl? (sigh)
I love hand-me-downs. Not only do they appeal to the "ecology nut" side of my nature, but seeing familiar clothes brings back such lovely memories of other young bodies doing similar or different things. For me, there is no sigma attached to hand-me-downs, only love.
In the next minute I noticed out of the corner of my eye a little blonde head wearing a T-shirt I had seen many times on Jenn-In-Holland's daughter. In my mind's eye I flashed on her and then realized I was looking at my own DD2 who had grown into Jenn's daughter's clothes. How could it be that my little one was now such a big girl? (sigh)
I love hand-me-downs. Not only do they appeal to the "ecology nut" side of my nature, but seeing familiar clothes brings back such lovely memories of other young bodies doing similar or different things. For me, there is no sigma attached to hand-me-downs, only love.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Pitiful Parents Anonymous
Yes the SOS players now have button! 'Twas Brillig and Walking Kateastrophe have outdone themselves in their efforts to provide us a place to play on Sundays. Need to know more? You can visit them or this week visit our Soapy Hostess Thalia's Child. Don't miss out on the fun!!
My post this week is about a real-time Soap Opera. This might end up being an on-going story for some time, but I hope it won't have weekly updates!!
****************************************************************************
"Good afternoon. I'd like to welcome you all to Pitiful Parent Anonymous. Our first speaker today is Fourier.Analyst."
"Hi, my moniker is FA and I'm the parent of an OCD child. It has been about 12 hours since my last meltdown with her."
"Hi FA", the group responds.
"It is so hard watching your child struggling with something you don't understand and can't imagine. You can't protect them. You can't make it better. No amount of tears or hugs, no amount of understanding or patience, no amount of long, calm (as possible) discussions, nothing leads to any answers, solutions, or relief. And even when you finally acknowledge this is out of your hands and needs to be dealt with by a professional, you are given the information that it might never be really fixed. And that the process to discover what might work will be long and full of dead ends and solutions that don't work.
And so you go on with daily life, trying to get back to some sort of normalcy. But then that unfortunately includes the everyday nagging that seems to cause so much stress. Still, you maintain the requirements of clean clothes everyday, some semblance of body hygiene, regular semi-healthy meals, rudimentary efforts at keeping the chaos out of the living room and the rest of the house, a daily effort at doing homework and an occasional stab at clearing a space in your child's bedroom. And with these come the expected adolescent temper tantrums and vocal responses that grate on nerves and stretch parental patience.
Moans and complaining sessions over coffee with other Moms tell you that this is typical behaviour, but you know that there is a difference. The level of hysteria that comes from a simple question or request is beyond a "normal" response. The escalation into screaming fits, and destruction of property, followed by sullen silences and hiding and the discovery of more wads of hair from an already brutalized head, no, this is not normal. But I'm tired of crying every day, and am sure to do so if I talk about it any further. And so I just nod and sigh and drink my tea without going into further details.
My close friends know the gory details. We hug and cry together, laugh when possible and change the subject when it all just gets to be too much. I'm smart enough to know this is not all my fault, despite how much she tries to tell me it is. I know she doesn't really hate me, though this is very hard to believe when she is screaming it with such conviction. I know she doesn't want to leave home, though I fully expect running away from home to be one of the next escalations of the pattern of behaviour. And I know she doesn't want me to leave and would be sorry if I suddenly died and regret forever her last words to me.
It is taking its toll on the whole family, but most of all on me. My own Fibromyalgia illness makes my body very ill-suited to handling the stress chemicals that are released so often. I am in physical pain for so much of the time that I don't even notice anymore unless it steps up a level. Everyday tasks leave me exhausted and while exercise is the best medicine for me, I can hardly get the strength to get the kids where they need to be and can't even face the prospect of a workout. I am on the verge of tears so much of the time I don't dare face gym buddies I have not seen for a while who would certainly ask how I am and where I've been. And I have been known to have to leave in the middle of yoga class, on days when things were going fairly well, to cry in the bathroom just from the release of tension from holding myself together that I was not even aware of.
So it is a daily struggle that I am resigned will result in more of the same. We are currently on the merry-go-round of specialists who can advise on the treatment that is needed. But it is a slow process in an already over-burdened medical system. She's not yet considered a real danger to herself, though she is clearly on that path if we don't intervene soon. So we have another appointment next week to be followed by a course therapy and very likely a referral and another period of waiting before we finally get on the pharmaceutical roller-coaster and hopefully eventually find some stability.
The hardest part for me as a parent is not the current reality, though I am struggling with that burden. But knowing that this is an ongoing problem that my beautiful child will struggle with for the rest of her life. It is not how I imagined her future and while I know that for the most part she will have a normal, happy life, I worry about the periods of torment. These are the thoughts that keep me from sleep. These are the fears that tear at my heart. These are the struggles that make me shake my fist at fortune and curse the gods who have placed such a trial on one so innocent and full of promise. And at the times when I have exhausted myself with of these thoughts and finally manage quieten my mind, the small "I told you so" voice comes out reminding me of the doubts I had about my ability to be a good mother.
I know I am in the middle of the "grief process". I have battled through the denial of the problem and acknowledged that this is out of my hands and needs professional help. I have raged the "Why me?/Why her?/What did we do wrong?" theme to until it no longer needs asking and I know that there are no answers. I have negotiated all the various efforts to make things better and tried to let things go on without any parental intervention until I realized that this was only leading to more chaos in her life and more stress in mine. There is no bargaining with this condition. It will not wait until after test week or take a break during family vacations. It is here and now. I guess I've reached the stage of depression. It all looks bleak and scary ahead and I am just very, very sad.
But on the other side of this will be acceptance and I'm working towards this. There are worse problems in the world. And I am amazed to hear from other women I admire and believe are living examples of "SuperMom" that they too have been down this path and there is hope and help on the way. So I tell you this tale of my struggle to cope one day at a time and more than ever how fiercely I say the prayer that closes every PPA meeting:"
God, grant me the serenity |
| "The Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Niebuhr |
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
