Fourier Analysis is a mathematical tool which can do a number of things: separate out signals from noise; help identify patterns or trends in data; filter out all unwanted data and focus on a single signal; use approximations to make generalizations; make approximations of real world signals (think electronic music); combine harmonics to get a stronger signal. That's what I'll be trying to do here!! Won't you join me with your comments?

Friday, March 14, 2008

I don't want to talk about it...

As part of the diagnostic process for DD1, we are making the rounds of the various "experts". So far, not counting the school doctor and the family doctor, I have seen 5 different specialists. And we are not through yet. Some of them meet with DD1 by herself, some with DD1 and myself, some with just me or DH, and some with all 3 of us.

And while they all have their own specialization and different items to focus on, and we have now filled out 3 different ratings questionnaires, for the most part they all have the same general kinds of questions. These cover not only DD1's problems, behaviour, childhood, friends, social life, etc., but also babyhood, pregnancy, health and..., and ..., and.... And then of course you get into my biography. And DH's biography. And family medical history.

Invariably, at some point in these conversations, there will be something asked that brings me to tears. It's not that hard these days I admit, with everything we have going on. But still, I wonder if all these folks are putting together a picture of our family that says "Poor kid. Dad is pretty calm but Mom is an emotional wreck. No wonder she is so messed up."

As the "primary caregiver", I am the one who has most of these appointments, even though DD1 has the problem. At least that's what I think. She, of course, has a different point of view and thinks that I am the one with the problem and she should be left alone. The thing is, since I am the one doing most of the talking with these folks, I am starting to doubt my own sanity...

Generally I am pretty talkative. I usually have something to say. (You may have noticed this if I have posted comments on your blog!) But all of a sudden I am all talked out. I feel like I have brought every skeleton in my and my family's closet out in the light. By now these people know most of our deep dark secrets, even ones we had almost forgotten.

And unlike on my blog, there is no anonymity. I sit in front of them and answer their questions and tell the tales of incidents I have tried to erase from memory and put behind me. And now my everyday reality is filled with confronting and thinking about things that I would rather not.

And this is not a healing process. They take their notes, hand me a tissue and go on with their questions. There are no hugs. No kind words of support. No sympathies and similar stories exchanged. No one to tell me it will be alright. So far they have not been judgmental. But of course I look back on my parenting mistakes and my offspring's meltdowns and feel despair and shame and defeat.

Some friends have advised that I get some sort of medical intervention for myself. But I am afraid that if I go down that road before we've gotten the solution for my beloved daughter, then I will be too tempted to not come back to reality. My reality is not pleasant. There are some days when it is hardly bearable. I long for my pillow and covers and an alternate reality.

So if I am only lurking these days, please forgive me. I do read on occasion and cry and laugh and enjoy my blogging world. But if I'm not commenting or blogging then please know, for the momment, I have nothing left give.

I've not talked about it here because right now, I don't want to talk anymore.


Anonymous said...


I'm sorry that your current situation is taking such an emotional toll on you. Although I have no idea what you're actually talking about, I hope that you are able to find a resolution that helps both you and DD1 as quickly as possible.

It may sounds trite, but you always have a large number of friends on line here who care and will do whatever is in our means to help.

Thalia's Child said...

When you are ready to talk, we'll all be waiting, and in the meantime, I understand needing a break.

Take care

Robin said...

Oh boy, I could have written a lot of this post myself. Jay and I finally decided that the only way to handle it was by joking, and have now determined that "if it is genetic, it's him, if it was nurture, it's me". Gallows humor indeed.

We're (still) in the midst of mid-year evaluations right now, and it's feeling oppressive and neverending.

I'm so sorry you're in pain, and if/when you decide that you do want to talk about it I'll be right here to listen.


Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Huge hugs and caring thoughts being sent your way. I hope it all gets easier soon.

Leslie said...

I am so sorry for all you're going through. And I have something to share with you that I'll send in a personal e-mail. But for now, just know that it's okay not to talk about it. It's okay to take a break from it. It is okay to focus on something else for a little while that makes you feel good.

Please, don't be too hard on yourself. Don't worry so much about "good" and "bad" or "right" and "wrong." Sometimes things just are. And in the words of The Beatles, "Let it be." Those things that you can't change? Let them be.

It's going to be okay. Right now is hard. Things will still probably be hard later. But sometime? Things are going to be okay.

Goofball said...

We're here or on the other side of the mailbox if you would want to talk anyway. But I can totally understand that you are going through a really emotional rollercoaster. Please take your time, please don't judge yourself.
Please don't blame yourself for anything!

I hope you can find some peace and rest in this turmoil and that your family will get the help it needs for taking little steps, one by one, in the good direction.

soccer mom in denial said...

You know what to do. And you will all get through this.

Sorry to be MIA myself. But I think of you often. Does the telepathy still work?


Virtualsprite said...

Wow. I've been absent for a while myself and I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been going through. I cannot imagine how difficult this is, but just know that we're thinking of you and whenever you need us, we'll be here.

You are so smart and wonderful. Just remember that.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time, all my issues seem to pale into insignificance, i can understand you don't want to talk, sometimes we just have no words, but when those words come back we will listen, feel free to lurk on my site, i can't guarantee that it will be interesting but i can guarantee it will be a distraction. Sending you as much support trough the wires as I can. Look after yourself, do what is best for you and your family xxxxxxxx

Shellie said...

I can relate. Before I finally got some help for my daughter, I thought I was losing it, and needed to be seen for depression, but once she got some relief, my depression was g-o-n-e! Big hug and hang in there.

Wholly Burble said...

If I were there, I'd be hugging you. If I were there, we could just sit, and you wouldn't need to talk--but I'd be there for when you wanted to say something.

I'm sending you my hugs, and I've got an ear to give if and when you want to talk. Mostly my heart is with you and my desire that you find peace of mind--may God grant you that peace that passeth all understanding.