Missing...No Action

Yes, I am still here. Thanks for asking. Hugs and lovely thoughts to all those who have sent messages and prayers my way. I just stalled out and crashed for a bit.

There came a point in the crises where I have had to do everything I could not to lose it. The energy to rant and curse and fight just ran out, the tears dried up, and numbness and shell-shock set in. I've been going through the motions and doing the daily tasks and yet felt there was no real "life" to any of it, although unfortunately, this is my reality.

My friend Jenn's post kind of brought home to me why I have had such trouble talking about this. While in my daily life I can put on a mask and make the small talk and attempt to follow normal social conventions, in this blogsphere I use the anonymity to allow for honest, unvarnished openness. And for a while now the pain of the various struggles has been such that I could hardly bear to look at it myself, much less share it with others.

I am ok. We are ok. But finding the new "normal" is taking some time. I will be sporadic in the posts for a bit. I have lots I want to say and share and happier times to cheer myself and others on with. But the energy levels are still pretty low.

But summer is coming. It seems to take forever in this part of the world. But it is, like healing and acceptance, inevitable.

Warmest heartfelt wishes to you all. Thanks for not forgetting about me!

Where Life's Entropy Has Stalled Me...

...Limbo.

Can't find words for what's going on? Maybe just one will do! Come play along at Jenn's place!

I don't want to talk about it...

As part of the diagnostic process for DD1, we are making the rounds of the various "experts". So far, not counting the school doctor and the family doctor, I have seen 5 different specialists. And we are not through yet. Some of them meet with DD1 by herself, some with DD1 and myself, some with just me or DH, and some with all 3 of us.

And while they all have their own specialization and different items to focus on, and we have now filled out 3 different ratings questionnaires, for the most part they all have the same general kinds of questions. These cover not only DD1's problems, behaviour, childhood, friends, social life, etc., but also babyhood, pregnancy, health and..., and ..., and.... And then of course you get into my biography. And DH's biography. And family medical history.

Invariably, at some point in these conversations, there will be something asked that brings me to tears. It's not that hard these days I admit, with everything we have going on. But still, I wonder if all these folks are putting together a picture of our family that says "Poor kid. Dad is pretty calm but Mom is an emotional wreck. No wonder she is so messed up."

As the "primary caregiver", I am the one who has most of these appointments, even though DD1 has the problem. At least that's what I think. She, of course, has a different point of view and thinks that I am the one with the problem and she should be left alone. The thing is, since I am the one doing most of the talking with these folks, I am starting to doubt my own sanity...

Generally I am pretty talkative. I usually have something to say. (You may have noticed this if I have posted comments on your blog!) But all of a sudden I am all talked out. I feel like I have brought every skeleton in my and my family's closet out in the light. By now these people know most of our deep dark secrets, even ones we had almost forgotten.

And unlike on my blog, there is no anonymity. I sit in front of them and answer their questions and tell the tales of incidents I have tried to erase from memory and put behind me. And now my everyday reality is filled with confronting and thinking about things that I would rather not.

And this is not a healing process. They take their notes, hand me a tissue and go on with their questions. There are no hugs. No kind words of support. No sympathies and similar stories exchanged. No one to tell me it will be alright. So far they have not been judgmental. But of course I look back on my parenting mistakes and my offspring's meltdowns and feel despair and shame and defeat.

Some friends have advised that I get some sort of medical intervention for myself. But I am afraid that if I go down that road before we've gotten the solution for my beloved daughter, then I will be too tempted to not come back to reality. My reality is not pleasant. There are some days when it is hardly bearable. I long for my pillow and covers and an alternate reality.

So if I am only lurking these days, please forgive me. I do read on occasion and cry and laugh and enjoy my blogging world. But if I'm not commenting or blogging then please know, for the momment, I have nothing left give.

I've not talked about it here because right now, I don't want to talk anymore.

The experienced traveller

CableGirl has a great game that lets us all take a ramble down memory lane. And I do have some stories that are not really SOS, but definitely memorable, so I'm playing this week. For a walk in someone else's shoes, check out her blog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been in Munich (München in German) for over a year, and had not done all the traveling I had originally planned, primarily because I was spending time with my German boyfriend. But there came a holiday weekend in early Spring when he was going off to visit his family and everyone else I knew in town had plans. So I decided to take an overnight train to visit Florence.

Of course my mother would have had a fit at the thought of me traveling by myself to a country where I did not know anyone or speak the language. And friends had warned me of problems on the overnight trains and pickpockets, etc. But of course, I was 29 and invincible. So off I went!

The trip was uneventful, except for being slower than I expected. On the German side it was a high-speed train, but in Italy I think it turned into the milk run. Literally. We stopped at every little station and seemed to load some sort of freight on, but very few people. This went on all night long!

Finally I arrived in Florence or Firenza as it is called in Italian. I booked a hotel room via the tourist bureau at the station. It was within walking distance and set out to wander around and find it, getting a bit lost but seeing wonderful sights at every corner. I got myself checked in and went exploring. Of course I don't do anything unprepared so I had a couple of guide books that I followed and it was glorious. Looking back now, with the perspective of many years of a full schedule and parenthood, I really squandered the leisure time I had!

I walked slowly, lingered over lunch al fresco, got lost and backtracked and had no real destination. I did not try to find the best times to visit the museums as it did not matter that I had to stand in line for hours. And while I did see most of the sights on my list in the 4 days I was there, I ran out of time and did not see everything. But I figured I would come back another time. Little did I know it would be with 2 kids, DH and my Mom and her walker in tow. The two trips cannot be compared!!

Of course I visited the museum where Michaelangelo's David is housed. In those days they did not have to search your bags, and cameras were allowed so you could take your own pictures. I took a lot of photos, but later realized I would have done better to spend my money on the postcards! But at some point I decided I wanted a picture with me in it. So I asked an English-speaking couple and they were happy to oblige. I wanted a picture of myself admiring David. And so I posed in profile, with my chin pointed slightly up in order to lengthen my neck for a more flattering image of myself. I smiled a serene smile and held the pose without realising where my eyeline was directed. Yep, just as the camera clicked, it dawned on my that I appeared to be closely examining David's privates. Needless to say, while this is a very flattering picture of me, it was not one I used on my Christmas cards. In fact, I think there is only one copy in existence!

I had a fantastic time and did not at all regret making this trip on my own. My Italian phrasebook got me through most situations, and I was adopted by a waiter in the restaurant near my hotel where I stopped to dine more than once. He could not believe such a "stunning beauty" was on her own. Of course he flirted outrageously, which I'm convinced is a genetic trait in Italian men. And when I would not go with him he tried to fix me up with his cousin! But he was not offended when I turned down all offers and the third time I was there he took over my ordering and brought me the most wonderful dish that was not on the menu: chicken breast cooked on a bed of asparagus and covered with baked over Parmasean cheese with Tagliatelli noodles. That with a wonderful local Soáve and perfect Italian Spring weather made for a truly memorable meal.

Finally it was time to go home and I headed for the train station with just under an hour's time to spare. The station is smaller than the one in Munich and so I was not surprised when they did not yet have my destination listed on the departure board. I spent some time looking through the gift shops there for any last minute souvenirs I might have missed. Thirty minutes prior, still no train bound for Munich/München. I looked at my return ticket and saw that the track was listed so I headed on over to where it should come in. There was a train there, but it was bound for Monaco. But of course I was an experienced traveler and knew that in Italy, things did not always go according to schedule, so I wasn't worried when at 15 mins. prior to departure, there was still no train to Munich and the train to Monaco was still on the track.

Now I knew that Monaco was in a different direction from Munich, so this could not be my train. I checked the departure board to see if there were any other trains going to Germany, as I knew (again the experienced traveler) that sometimes they listed the end destination for a train that might be stopping at the destination you were traveling to. No trains to anywhere in Germany.

Now I was starting to get concerned. At 5 min. to departure time, I started looking for a conductor. I found one on the platform closing the doors to the Monaco train. I asked him about the train to Munich. Of course he did not speak English or German. He tried to put me on the Monaco train. I showed him my ticket. He nodded insistently as the conductor on the end of the platform was blowing his whistle to indicated the train was about to depart. I took a leap of faith and jumped aboard.

Good thing too. In Florence (Firenza) they call Munich Monaco. To quote Mark Twain, "Those foreigners have a different word for everything!"

What I thought when I read Jenn's Singular Saturday...

...Aww.

Yeah we are silly, but that's what the weekend is for, right? Wanna play too? Check out Jenn's place!

25-year-old me would never imagine...

"5 Things I Never Pictured In My Future When I Was 25 Years Old."




Okay, I have been wanting to play Flashback Friday ever since CableGirl started it. But I have been having a hard time getting my mojo back and blogging more regularly. We seem to be operating in crisis mode around here much of the time, and I am tired of blogging about that. So I came across this meme when I was visiting Greeblemonkey and I thought I might combine the two..

"What would my 25 year old self be most surprised about?"

I am surprised to find how hard it was to answer this. I was a pretty astute 25 year old and kinda figured I would be married (again) and eventually have kids. I was communicating on the DARPANET (the US Defense Department Network that eventually became the Internet) with colleagues around the world, and not only about business, so while I did not necessarily predict blogging, it would have been a natural extension to my life back then.

However...


1. I never expected I would be living in Europe. And I don't think I really knew where the Netherlands was! UK, France, Germany, Italy, yeah. But Netherlands-Belgium-Luxembourg (the call it Be-Ne-Lux for a reason) I would have been fuzzy on.

2. I never expected I would not always have a career. I had worked so hard on my degree and had plans to keep going (which I did). I was doing really great in a male-dominated field that was really taking off (early Silicon Valley days). And I just figured I would combine marriage and career and motherhood the way many women of my generation were already starting to do. And though I have really only been out of the career mode for less than 5 years, there are now some tax and insurance complications which make going back to work much less attractive financially, even though the kiddos are at a point where I could logistically swing it without too much disruption (or so I tell myself). But we sat down and did the numbers a couple of months ago and it would end up costing more if I went back part-time and it would only provide a small benefit if I went to work full-time. And quite frankly, it just is not worth it. So I am now in the process of mentally adjusting my self-image to one of no longer of being a career woman. And that is really something I never expected to do.

3. I never expected that music would no longer be a big part of my life. It was for so many years. It paid the grocery bills when I was in college. It was my social life when I was 25, playing groupie and roadie and back-up singer to a techno-pop band. And I was singing in the church choir on Sundays. Nowadays it is DD1 & DD2 who do most of the singing. And when the rare occasion occurs that the spirit moves me and I sing along with some of my favorites, they no longer sit enthralled but complain that the neighbors or their friends can hear and I am embarrassing them. (sigh)

4. I never expected I would be in such poor physical condition at this age. I had no idea that I would lead such a sedentary lifestyle playing chauffeur to kids. Plus the fibromyalgia has really put a cramp in my routine. I have a lot of work to do...

5. I never expected I would be known as the "Creative Mommy". My whole position has been that I am not about to spend the outrageous amounts for the pre-packaged parties and crafts when I can come up with something equivalent by using my imagination and what I could find on sale. And I figured out the trick to the fancy birthday cakes is extra icing (it covers a lot of errors). And now I find myself with the reputation as the Mom who throws the best birthday parties and I often get calls from desperate mothers who find out they cannot get the date they want for the pool/bowling center/tennis club/horse paddock or jungle gym, so what to do with a houseful of elementary school kids? Now if I was known as the "Cheap Mommy", that would not have been so unexpected!

Well I may be stretching the "Flashback" definition, but it really took me back to try and figure out how my perspective has changed. I promise to do better next time, but if you want to see how others have told some of their tales, check out 42 (she's a real hot number!!)

Good Night Moon...

Thalia's Child from Musings from a Muse gave me this award:

She said, "This woman's brain intimidates me..." Now I'm not quite sure that is a compliment! I don't really want to intimidate anyone. If anything, I try and help explain science to the layman/woman because I don't think it should be intimidating. But I will accept the award in the spirit that it is given and will be passing along my nominees in a future post. (And BTW, thanks Thalia's Child, it is nice to get blog bling!)

But I have heard comments from others who think I am pretty brainy. "Whiked smaaht" as SMID would say! So now I guess I have a reputation to maintain. Therefore I will tell you about the upcoming total lunar eclipse.

This is happening on Wednesday night (20-21.February.2008) and will be visible from most of North America as well as South America, Western Europe, Africa and Western Asia.

A total lunar eclipse is pretty special. Lunar eclipses only occur during the full moon, and while there is usually one of those a month, because the Moon's orbit around the Earth is tipped 5 degrees compared to Earth's orbit around the Sun, the Moon does not usually pass through the Earth's shadow. But about 2 - 4 times a year, it does pass through all or part of the shadow, and an eclipse occurs.

Now maybe you will hear some talking head on the TV speak about partial eclipses, umbral and penumbral shadows, and you'll think "Huh"? This is just fancy scientist talk. The Earth's shadow is actually composed of two cone-shaped parts, one nested inside the other (see diagram below) . The outer shadow or penumbra is a zone where Earth blocks some (but not all) of the Sun's rays. In contrast, the inner shadow or umbra is a region where Earth blocks all direct sunlight from reaching the Moon. In fact, so little light is blocked during the penumbral lunar eclipses that they are not really visible to the untrained naked eye. But scientists love using big words that no one understands, so one of them might mention this. Ignore this discussion.



More common events are partial lunar eclipses. This is where the Moon passes through only part of the Earth's umbral shadow. That means you see a the Full Moon which gets a "bite" taken out of one side that slowly grows bigger and then gets smaller. There will be a partial lunar eclipse visible from parts of Europe on August 16th this year.

But you really should try and view all or part of the eclipse this week if the weather in your area permits. Some of you in the western US or Australia might have had an opportunity to see the total lunar eclipse in August last year. But another total eclipse will not occur until 2010. So set your alarms or stay up late and hope for good weather!

Here is a table of the viewing times for your locations:

Total Lunar Eclipse of February 20, 2008
	North America					Other
Event	AST	PST	MST	CST	EST	GMT	GMT+1h	GMT+2h
Partial Eclipse Begins:	04:43 pm	05:43 pm	06:43 pm	07:43 pm	08:43 pm	01:43 am*	02:43 am*	03:43 am*
Total Eclipse Begins:	06:01 pm	07:01 pm	08:01 pm	09:01 pm	10:01 pm	03:01 am*	04:01 am*	05:01 am*
Mid-Eclipse:	06:26 pm	07:26 pm	08:26 pm	9:26 pm	10:26 pm	03:26 am*	04:26 am*	05:26 am*
Total Eclipse Ends:	06:51 pm	07:51 pm	08:51 pm	09:51 pm	10:51 pm	03:51 am*	04:51 am*	05:51 am*
Partial Eclipse Ends:	08:09 am*	09:09 pm	10:09 pm	11:09 pm	12:09 pm	05:09 am*	06:09 am*	07:09 am*

* Event occurs on morning of February 21, 2008
The UK and parts of western Europe are on GMT time. The Netherlands, Germany, etc. are on GMT +1. This means I'll be getting up about 4 AM (yawn!).

So what is so special about a total lunar eclipse? Won't it just look like the Moon going through all its phases within a short space of time? Yes it will. Kind of. Maybe. You see the direct light from the sun will be blocked by the body of the earth. But sunlight also passes through the Earth's atmosphere and bends. So just like dawn and dusk are not completely dark, even though the sun is still below the horizon, some light from the sun will reach the moon and the shadow will not be completely dark. Thus the shadow from an eclipse is not like the "phase" of the moon because no sunlight is shining on the dark part of the moon when it is not "full". (This is a trick question for kids in science, when they say that the dark part of the lunar phase is the shadow of the Earth blocking the Sun from the Moon!)

So what can we expect? The most beautiful total lunar eclipses are when the Earth's atmosphere filters out the blue portions of the sunlight and only allows the redder portions of the light to come through. So we could see a "blood red moon". In some earlier times and cultures this was a portent of evil or misfortune or the approach of a terrible event. I don't doubt that there will be something that occurs in the coming year that might be linked back to this event. In fact, I will even predict that someone will make this link! Check back with me in a year and I'll be happy to say "I told you so"!

If the Earth had no atmosphere, then the Moon would be completely black during a total lunar eclipse. But it can actually take on a range of colors and even change during the event. It can range from yellow to orange or red to dark brown. It will depend on how much dust, pollution and clouds are present in the atmosphere. After the volcano on Mount Pinatubo in 1992, the December total lunar eclipse was dark brown and almost black.

Now while I have you out looking at the sky, let me point out a couple of things: "Orion" is the most visible of constellations in the winter night sky and is one that almost everyone can find! Just look to the southeast. It should be one of the first constellations visible after sunset. After you find the three bright stars in his belt and the 3 more hanging down that is the scabbard for his sword, look down to the right for the bright bluish star that is his knee. This is the blue supergiant star Rigel. If you look above the belt to the left at his shoulder you see the reddish star which is a red supergiant star called Betelgeuse. Following at Orion's heels is his faithful companion, the constellation "Canis Major" which has the brightest star in the night sky Sirius. Sirius is actually a double star which is visible in small telescopes.

And of course you should look for Mars, which is the reddish object shining brightly just above
Orion. Through the course of the night Mars and Orion descend toward the western horizon.
Saturn is visible as a bright yellowish object in the late evening in the southeast sky.